Tuesday, February 28, 2006

and Introducing my fat cat LEVI.

So Here he is My other Obese ANimal. Levi. IS this normal? ALl the animals are fat, I'm fat, the only one that is not fat, is my tall thin wife, Nikola. She is thin. Sometimes I wonder, what's a thin girl like her doing with mushy tummies like me? She keeps saying she loves me no matter what and she is even into my body. How is that possible? I pretty much feel like Levi here. Big, Hairy, black, Poisse. And somehow this woman puts her hands on me without laughing and/or recoiling in disgust. Lucky me. Now, back to Levi. Levi is 15 years old. and after the age of 2. FAT. In his old age, levi pretty much lays around, eats, goes to the bathroom, and lays around. He is my mentor. Do you think Levi cares? Do you think Levi wonders "oh no, how do m y stomachs look in this shirt?" "Oh, is my back fat slipping out of my bra"? "Oh god I can't be on top or my stomachs will hit her in the face", "I can't wear this shirt, my boobs are going to blast it open in the middle of dinner:"" why can't I close this blazer, even though it's a men's" --too much info ---- ? NO! He is a big fat black cat who could give a shit, and all he wants out of life, is food, a bathroom and to be rubbed down. THis is not a bad way to look at the world. Maybe I need to be more like Levi? The Zen of levi. Then again Levi hasnt had sex his entire life. I need to rethink everthing, and make some popcorn.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

don't hate me because i'm beautiful

kelly lebrock. we all remember her emerging from the dry ice machine produced smoke cloud in the nerd's bedroom in "weird science". whether we were boys or girls, cats dogs or pet gerbils, we all stared at her image with absolute lust. kelly lebrock was the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet, complete with high self esteem and effortless comedic timing. she was IT.

now, 20 plus years later she is on celebrity fit club because she apparently let herself go. can i just say that i would give one of my opposable thumbs for her BEFORE picture? ms. lebrock's body after letting herself go is my DREAM body, i kid you not.

i think i've mentioned before that i have no interest in being skinny. i like meat on the bones. as they say, bone is for the dog but meat is for the man.

sexist as that may be, it makes me proud to have meat. sometimes sexism can be really great for the self esteem, you know?

so, here's to kelly lebrock's rockin' before-picture bod-- may i achieve something close to it. and here's to a healthy dose of good, old fashioned sexism-- may we feel like hot chicks once in a while because of/in spite of it.

whole grains and chazzy,

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

misty, water-colored memories.

i had a great weekend with two of my favorite girls, as seen captured in the kool-aid smiles in the picture here. but what is also captured here is my double goddamn chin(s). there have been many great times in my life captured on film and as soon as i see the photos all i can see are my double chins/moon face/preggers belly/love handles/fat arms/etcetera, and so forth, and dot dot dot.

now, i'm sure this is some sort of narcissistic disorder that i should deal with. but in the meantime my memories are being blurred. misty for sure. not so much water-colored.

already i look at pictures from my life and my first instinct is either to squirm with the sight of my size or squirm with how much i've grown in size since the picture was taken.

is this what's going to happen when i break out the photo album to show the kids? oh, jesus, wasn't mommy so fat then, kids? OR mommy, is that when you were pregnant with me? huh, mommy?

go fuck yourselves, kids.

i don't want to look back on my life in pictures and not see my life.

frickin' double chins. i tell you. they just ruin a smile.

whole grains and chazzy,

Monday, February 20, 2006

Can thoughts be fat?

I think my thoughts are fat. I had a dream about cheese and crackers last night. I woke up this morning, and said to Nikola. Babe, I dreamt, you were there with cheese and cracker sand a stage of some kind. WHo dreams about cheese and crackers? WHat is the matter with me? Ok. seriously, I mUST go to the gym tomorrow, to at least feel like I am trying to do something good for my body. Even my sweatpants are sort of tight today. WHOSE sweatpants are tight? Ok, we are supposed to be able to fit inot a tankini by the summer, at this rate, I'll be lucky to fit a tankini around my forehead. uch. I want reeses Pieces.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

stretching and decisions

this is a picture of a few friends and me doing some morning stretching on top of a mountain in guerneville, california. we were there for our friend's weekend wedding. every morning we woke up, ate our granola and yoghurt, drank our hibiscus tea, and went out to stretch in the sun like hippies.

when this picture was taken i was feeling so beautiful. i'll admit it. i felt hot in a yoga way. i felt strong and healthy and happy-- and then, when my friend sent me this picture all i could see was my belly, 4 months pregnant. see, now i'm imagining people reading this and, out of the corner of their mouths, saying "try 5 months."

i'm getting another tattoo in a week. over lunch my mom told me that she'd had a dream about my tattoo and woke up feeling bad about it. don't do it, rach, she said. it just feels like it's about compensation.

so, what is it about for me? i'm not happy with my body. i want to decorate it and make it prettier. i want to feel more proud of it. and putting art on my self makes me feel celebrated.

and i'm a victem of trend.

and i'm impulsive.

and i'm most definitely compensating for something.

i've made the decision, i told my mom. you know, when you make a decision like that it's just made. it's a done deal.

no, it's not, rach. it's not. she said. it hasen't happened. why don't you take this as an opportunity to think about what you're compensating for.

this is not exactly verbatim, as my mother is so much more eloquent than i am and would never end a sentence with a preposition. she said it in one perfect, straight to the heart sentence.

anyway, i'm getting the tattoo. i want to. i'm choosing to. but i hear my mom. i know she's right on.

as i've said before, it's just so easy to not listen to yourself. it's so easy to just ignore yourself. it's all about decisions. when i want another bowl of cereal in the morning, and i know that i've already eaten a portion that the box would consider approxomately 86 times what it should be, there's that 5 seconds where i make the decision to pour the extra bowl. it's a decision.

random as it all is, that's what's on my mind tongiht. also, as you can see, i've figured out how to i t a l i c i z e.

whole grains and chazzy,


ALl I have to say is KARMA is a bitch. WHat does this have to do with MY being fat? I don't know. I know it has something to do with it., I am running late for my job, but I just quickly wanted to say....Thank you Dick Cheney you fat murdering fuck face. You have been killing us for the past 6 years and finally you did it once out in the open and to your friendno less. YEs I have no sympathy for the old DICK. I am pretty sure he is a cannibal robot who actually died 4 years ago, and his cannibal evil robot is still alive fucking and killing the world. IS this too angry? I'll be back.

xooI knowIamfat

Sunday, February 12, 2006

my arch nemmy

okay, i don't know which hideous one in the picture he is but i'm talking about gunnar nelson, the new guy on celebrity fit club. i can't staaaaaand him. he is absolutely what i hate HATE about the boys in school who i always had beef with. he is a show off, know it all, can't be wrong, snotty, higher than thou, insecure little piece of TURD. celebrity fit club, as you may know by now, is one of my favorite shows, one that makes me tear up. yes, you heard me. i've said it and i'll say it again-- this show MOVES me, people. but this gunnar nelson character-- he is just the pits. he makes me want to spend a whole day with tempestt bledsoe, skipping around like sisters. he is the boy i always felt the need to put in his place. if i met him on the street i would kick his lipo suctioned ass back into the 80's where he belongs. and really, did he even belong there? i think not.

screw you, gunnar nelson. and stop sucking in your stomach. like we don't see that...

thanks, cher, for--

whole grains and CHAZZY,

Saturday, February 11, 2006

coca-cola zero, pepsi one

julie and i went to target the other day and among my purchases was coca-cola zero. basically it's diet coke that tastes kinda like regular coke but doesn't say DIETon it. same as pepsi one. these DIET beverages are marketed towards men. because god forbid a man should immasculate himself and watch his weight. so men are protected from this deep, deep humiliation that women apparently don't feel.

incidentally, coca-cola zero is the shit.

also, i'd like to talk about julie's pets. her cat is obese. like jabba the hut obese. she needs to get that picture up. russell, the dog, could use stand to lose a few but i think he's sorta in the same category as julie and me. he needs some excersize and a little tweak to his diet.

i've been sick for a few days and my appetite hasn't been so great. do not even think for one minute that in the middle of my fever and chills i have not thought i hope at least i lose a few. that's just wrong.

okay, i'm gonna get back to my coca-cola zero and my orange and "never been kissed" starring the thin, but real bodied, drew barrymore. holla drew.

whole grains and chazzy,


Yes. It's true. This is my pugson Russell. and he is a few pounds overweight. My cat Levi who I'll get a picture of up soon, is also Obese. He is like 22 pounds. I make all my pets fat. I just do. I don't know how I do it but I do. maybe it's the saqme way I keep mysewlf tubby. Snacking, laying around, treats, large portions....No, that can't be it. I have been trying to be better about all of our diets, b ut in the last minute I have a tub of popcorn with melted butter. or I decide NOT to go to the gym. I keep resisting not resisting, and I am even doing it to the pets. All of my friends are losing weight, I have got to get on the ball, My pal MCM is on Weight Watchers with her partner, they;'ve lost 35 pounds between them, My pal Murray lost 27 pounds, I gotta get with the program here. I am so at The gym tomorrow. Now excuse me, My dog wants a treat.


Wednesday, February 08, 2006


Well, I am putting this CHUBBY pic for all to see. Rachel, I totally feel your CHUB story, and I am sure you totally had the hottest 6 year old love like ever...Reading your entry tonight, made me think I must share this picture. It disgusts me, it is horryfying. LOOK at my stomachs. This was just Saturday night at one of the biggest shows I have ever done in NYC. Literally people in the front row must be bruised. It is just sad. So, IF anyone out there has ever had their stomachs for 1300 people to look at, and now a few more, then let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya. Not to mention, I look trans. NOugh said. It's late. Is that PC? I don't care, and you know what else. IF you want to draw a picture of CHrist, Allah, Mohammed,Moses, and Buddha and Shiva Nitsu in a fuckfest with eachother's cocks up their asses I could give a shit. GET OVER IT! IF I can put my stomachs up here, you ( the general fundamentalist religious fuckheads) can deal with a cartoon of Mohammed or whatever the fuck god you prey to, and guess what, We're all still ok. I am still fat, you're still whatever religion you are and the ozone layer is still fucked. talk to your god about that one! Ok sorry, I know that I digressed., but Dealing with your stomachs and the fall of the new millenium is too much to bear. I am getting ready for Lipo.

Saalam Shalom
Julie JEW Goldman


i thought i was a chubby kid. i was in a way. i wasn't skinny. ever. but i didn't have a weight problem. i can see that now when i look at pictures. why, i wonder, did i feel so big? and why, at age 6, did i even think about it?

when i was little i went to peter pan nursery school and day camp on ocean parkway in brooklyn. i had a boyfriend named jerry and we kissed on the lips during naptime. during sing-a-longs we'd sit together and i would run my hand along the peach fuzz on the back of his neck. hot and heavy, i know. i remember feeling like the luckiest girl at peter pan because i had the cutest boy and i knew then that we had a kind of love that stretched beyond our meer 6 years. i also remember feeling lucky because i just knew i was chubby and he liked me anyway.

after swimming during the summer in the tiny rectangular pools in the backyard of peter pan, we would take off and hang up our bathing suits and then wrap ourselves in the towels our moms sent with us in our back packs. now, my mom has never been a real towel person. i've been to the suburbs where the towels are oversized and fluffy and my mom has just never been into it. she prefers thin, cheap towels that i now prefer as an adult. go figure.

anyway, while all of the other kids wrapped themselves in their parents' towels that dragged on the grass, i was wrapped in what my mom thought of as a kid sized towel-- a bathmat--which covered only the top 1/3 of my 6 year old ass. we had to walk passed the older kids and i just remember feeling mortified and naked and fat and vulnerable. finally one day i begged my mom to give me a suburban towel so i could cover myself up and not show the world how chubby i was.

i remember not wanting to play on the see-saw because i had images of dropping heavily into the ground and catapulting the other child into the sky.

looking at picutres now i cannot CANNOT imagine how i had this complex at such a young age. and for no reason. i will try to get a picture up here so you can see how not chubby i was and so you can see how foxy jerry was. i mean really.

and by the way, my friend laney just came over to watch project runway and brought pound cake and strawberries. what am i to do? (i say with a cheekful of both)


whole grains and chazzy,

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


trip to target: $251

vet appointment for otis: $179

getting copies of my manuscript made: $86

ordering out and filling the void in my life with food: priceless

whole grains and chazzy,


DeaR DORITOS, Fries, Popcorn, Twizzlers, Butter, Melted Cheese, (in any form) bread, Rice, COus Cous and occasionally cigaretts...Though that's a different blog.... I need to wrote you a letter. Iyanla from "Starting Over" and "Finding your Joy", and "Realzing your potential through self righteous faux African spiritual talk" thinks it's a great idea to take your fears and blockages and write them a letter. Like, if I was abused I should write my abuser a letter or if I was my abuser I would write myself a letter and tell myself to find my joy and love myself and stop abusing myself with the spirutual love that I can only find in taking a journey to alittle place i like to call ....me.. See How it works? So, I am taking her advice and writing the foods that are keeping my stomachs groing and growing even though I am going to the gym on a pretty regular basis and eating pretty well. except for the top line. I need to tell these foods, to STAY AWAY. Stop calling me! Stop trying to get all up in me. I mean, Ok...The truth is I do lead them on. Becasue frankly, I love them, I love them more and more each day and I dont know how to quit them. Oh Doritos, you evil Bitch. WHy must you taunt me so with yuor nacho cheese and your cool and cooler ranch. ? WHY I SAY? I love opening the bag, I love looking at the bag, I love everything about you. I love to touch your bag, and slowly rip open your top, taking in the sweet and salty aroma of what lays inside for me to put my hands all over and devour feverishly as if I have never touched a dorito before. But the truth is Doritos, I can't even remain faithful to you for I love others, in the baove line. ANd n o matter what I do -- workout, portion control, I seem to retain 3 seperate stomachs all competing with my large boobs. Currently when I sit down theres not much difference ebetween the boobs and the stomachs and frankly I am tired of it. It needs to stop. YES. SO as of today -- The above line all of you know who you are, even the ones not mentioned today, I will control you. I will on occasion shove you in my face and eat the shit out of you loike you have never been eaten, BUT in moderation of course. I am merely stating that I will control you. I am the master of these stomachs, and as of today theres only room for one stomach and 2 boobies. YES. VIVA LA CONTROL. VIVA La WORKING OUT. VIVA la on occasion Eating that little bitch bag of doritos. We shall overcome. ANd When I say We I mean the sotmachs.

Rock out all out
I love you Doritos. I love you.

Friday, February 03, 2006


okay, okay, do over. NOW la resistance is over. maybe even tomorrow actually. went out to lunch with my dad, who is a big guy for sure, and we had burgers. i got a salad instead of fries, thank you very much, and proceeded to just share his.

i'm just being honest, people. la resistance is hard to resist, n'est pas?

but ne viva pas!!

whole grains and chazzy,

viva la resistance!

no. no! it's over. the resistance phase is over. julie and i went on our walk yesterday with the dogs and discussed the fact that it's time to seriously get down to business. we have spent a week or two attempting this in our half assed way. but our stomachs are still very much livin' large and we still have to decide how to hide our rolls when we sit down. enough. that is not a way to live. however bad it feels now to do the work to lose the weight, it will feel exponentially better when we have energy and visable ribs.

is that the right use of the word "exponenitally"? you let me know.

everybody has their own idea about why people "stay overweight." like we're hiding our bodies because of some past trauma or we are control freaks out of control and this is the only thing we have left to take charge of. or, my favorite-- we don't want to be attractive for whatever reason. now, although i'm sure there are spots of truth in these hypothesisisisisisisises, i feel the need to say this loud and say this proud: um, YES, thank you very much, i would definitely LIKE to be attractive. hellooooo??

whatever our reasons are, the ones in our blood streams, the ones that are environmental, it almost doesn't matter, does it? what's the point in spending energy thinking about how we are scared of rejection so we eat our way to a place where at least we had control over why we were turned down by the WORLD blah blah mother frickin' blah. whatevs. gotta eat better. gotta excersize. neeexxt.

okay, hafta eat breakfast. hafta move. hafta get some buddha in my brain.

(i'm kind of mad at oprah right now so i'm switching to....)

whole grains and chazzy,

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


I love DORITOS. NACHO CHEESE and COOl Ranch DORITOS. I believe and have surmised they are the root of my troubles. I realized -- just the other night, as we had, had a lovely workout at the gym, the minute I exited the building, I wanted DORITOS. IS this normal? NO! I just worked out. I had to Fight literally till I went to sleep not to buy a bag of beautiful Doritos. So, I made a pretty healthy dinner, which I had seconds of, BTW - and then I made popcorn. SO I basically just slapped the gym in it's Face. Yes, I did. I am recognizing this, and yet, still ate the seconds and the popcorn. Even after watching STARTING OVER with the Nubian Queen Ivaynla who would tell me, to find my joy, to see myself in the most glorious way I can, to visualize the body that I want, that I can change, that I am the one in the power seat, and yet I have succumbed, I have submitted, I have given up to the all powerful DORITOS. Maybe I need Starting OVer. Or Is Ivyala (How the hell does she spell her name?) Maybe she's right, maybe all her arrogant tough love, all her grand standing balck power, all her Faux African self righteousness, is actually right. DO I need to meet myself again? Do I need to sit in a room with Doritos and write the Doritos a letter? Do I need to hold a Mock Trial with Doritos? Do I need to live in a house with a handfull of women and allow them to help me, to see me, struggle with the DOritos? DO I need Ivanyala to give it to me staright and narrow, and all knowing? Or maybe I need to to just snap on the will power, recognize that I am worth a hard hot body, and even though there's a man named Frank living inside me, and the woman in me is a full figured, lovely lady, that's OK. and ON occasion so are Doritos.

Ohhhh Chembaba
Thank you Ivanyala.