Friday, August 03, 2007

a day at the beyatch

okay, so this is a picture of a woman who was just begging to have her picture taken at riis park beach. she was standing up swinging around her balls on strings-- as well as her own ginormous (chest) balls, no strings attached.

i have plenty of pictures of her from the front, but i'm not that much of an asshole as to show her face and tetas-- just her dental flossed ass. anyway...

the beach is a big fat playground for all of my insecurities to come out and play together. they just love it, and who am i to deny them their fun? of course i also enjoy it, too. i'm there for the tan and the laughs and the sound of the ocean.

i just try not to sit up.

the beach is actually a great place to be able to just lie down and forget about your rolls for a minute. but as soon as i sit up to engage with friends i end up engaging with my stomach angst and little do my friends know that i'm hardly listening to them and i'm in a heated conversation with myself, battling and arguing with myself like i'm trying to win the 8th grade mock trial or something.

i look at pictures from our beaching and all i see is my my stomach and then my face and how far away i am, not hanging out with the peeps but with my demons, who, as we all know, don't show up on film. or is that ghosts? the point is this shit just takes up to much space.

one of the things i do is to try to combat these feelings by being the big girl diva. the one who just loves me some me and if you don't like it you can just kiss my pancake ass. i'll get up and let it all hang out like i'm proud of it or something.

and actually...

sometimes i think i am. sometimes i think i'm better than others because i've got some weight. like there's more of me therefor there's more to me. now, i realize that that is just a load of bullshit that i tell myself sometimes but there's some deep truth to that. sometimes i feel like i am just so full of soul, like the more i protrude, the deeper i go.

is that a lie or is that the truthiest truth you've ever heard? sometimes i say shit and it sounds so good it must be right-- and then i pinch myself and wake up from my big fat dream.

well, i'm going to the beach tomorrow. i can't stay away. it's like 90 something degrees in new york. maybe the pounds will just melt away...

until then, i'll be eating my big sandwich as always, hating my belly and making it real big and round...

xo rach


Blogger squindia said...

Rachel girl,

This is so articulate. You have expressed in words what I wasn't even in touch with internally. I feel exactly this way at the beach wtih my friends....thanks. Your writing is really good but even better is your ability to express so well what is happening inside.

I've passed on hugs to those beautiful girls paige and suru.

I saw all of Paige's pics from her trip home and I have to tell you that you look amazing. Really smokin', woman.

Lastly, my camera is this point and shoot deal, easy to use, Canon Powershot S3 IS. Get one and show us Brooklyn!

11:09 PM  

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