Friday, May 26, 2006

i gave in to dubs dubs.

i joined weight watchers. i did it. 3 weeks ago. and i've lost 3lbs. oh, and 2 ounces. julie has joined, too, but she'll tell you about what join means to her.

julie and i were walking down the street the other day and saw our friend lauren who told us that we were "disappearing". love it. yeah, those 3lbs have really shrunken me down to nothing. how i do not get blown away by the wind is beyond me.

but honestly, those 3 lbs are making me feel like a rockstar. like a sweaty, midrift bearing, lead singer. we've been working out, eating better, working out some more... yeah, me, i'm riding my bike like i'm frickin' training for the frauw de la freui. whatever it's called. some french bike race. i am riding around the park and everybody is passing me by, to tell you the truth, but i'm going at my comfortable pace feeling like i'm looking kinda fly girl with the wind swishing whistles past my ears.

the park is gorgeous. anyone who says you can't get nature in new york obviously hasn't been to prospect park. that place in more green than those pictures of ireland i've seen. it's amazing.

so the dubs dubs (short for double u double u-- WW) meetings are hilarious. my leader, or whatever she is, has a brooklyn accent they just don't make anymore. she has a bad knee but wears high heels. she hands out little star-stickers that say bravo on them when you tell her that you turned down a knish or didn't take seconds on the chicken. she is our cheerleader.

now, i'm not a real fan of cheerleaders especially when they are cheering ME on. i do not like to be talked to in a voice raised 3 octaves with the phrases:

you can do it!

believe in yourself!

good job!

atta girl!

today is the first day of the rest of your life!
(although that one has a good point, i hafta say.)

i like to be talked to like we are equals and we are both firmly planted on planet earth. but somehow our cheerleader leader doesn't bother me terribly. also, i realize it's my problem if she does. hating her would make it easier to quit.

the woman who weighs us in sounds like the daughter from "grey gardens". oh, mother dahhhrling!rent that right NOW if you have no idea what i'm talking about.

dubs dubs is a good program. it is not like AA for fat people, like i thought it would be. it's a little group support groupy but these women are kind and funny and honest and, dare i say it, brave.

3 lbs, baby! that is the most i've lost in a long time. so i'm gonna take my 3 lbs and shake shake what my mama gave me! shake shake my money maker! shake that booty, shake that ass! i can't wait to sit down and not have to make any decisions about my belly.

i think that's all i got for now. stay tuned. i'm feeling forward motion. finally.

oh. tour de france. that's what it's called. duh.

whole grains and chazzy,

Monday, May 08, 2006

2 hot girls eating pizza. - another true listing

heres your hot girls. -- Again, this is a real ad. hot girls eating pizza. in bikinis. All I have to say is., Now that is Hilarious. Oh yes, Oh Internet comedy site, this bit is going to be so damn funny. Maybe next time you can get 2 hot girls to drink beer, then, you can get 2 hot girls to eat hot dogs, oooh wait, 2 hot girls, eating your cock. Oh I feel so much better now that it's notpornographic,it just suggests pornography which makes it ok to solicit women? I would respect it more if it was porn, at least they're honest about what they're doing. You sleazy, lecherous NOT FUNNY, scumbags. Love, Julie
Internet Comedy series needs 2 hot girls to eat pizza

Reply to:
Date: 2006-05-08, 5:10PM EDT

A popular Internet comedy series is looking for two attractive girls for a brief role in an upcoming episode. The part will require each actor to appear in her underwear and eat pizza (no vegetarians please). This is NOT pornographic and there will be no nudity. Shooting should only take a few hours and will occur sometime over the next three weeks.

If interested please send an email to with a full body shot attached.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

my name is rachel and i am a diet coke head.


okay, so i don't know if you've noticed that there is a WAR against soda, and this includes diet soda. if it's on oprah it's BIG. and folks, it was on oprah. i heard everybody standing around the watercooler of life talking about it. ever since then every local news program talks about it before dealing with whatever fire or murder that took place in new jersey. (have you noticed how much shit goes on in jersey?)

apparently they tested two groups of lab rats, one group had drops of real sugar in their water and the other group had sugar substitute in theirs and when it came time to eat, the fake sugared rats ate more than the true blue sugared rats. so now diet soda is making us eat more. not like we're eating green salads and miso soup and then after ordering the diet coke we feel the need to pack it in.

we're the ones drinking the diet coke for a reason.

i mean, how many times have you ordered a bacon cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake and then had the NERVE to come out with and i'll have a diet coke please.

you might as well ask for some crisco with a straw because at that point it really doesn't matter.

so diet coke or no diet coke, it's the food we need to change. not to mention that diet products give you cancer and other things they have no cure for. right? is that what they say?

they're taking away soda in the nyc public schools. this, i think, is a good idea. see, i'm not against the people who are against soda. i know it's bad on so many levels.

i think what i'm upset about is that i already have to cut down on so much in my diet--(although i have yet to really put this into effect)-- can't i just please have my cold, bubbly diet soda?

as james brown said, "I'M MAD! I DON'T KNOW KARATE BUT I KNOW KA-RAZY!"

it's cool. i'll get over it. summer's coming. time for iced tea anyway.

whole grains and chazzy,

PS-- you know julie wants that job...

Monday, May 01, 2006

Need HOT shot girls immediately to make big $$$

Ok. I dont know what this has to do with Tankini Dreams, But, I saw this ad on Craigslist. and for some reason, My fat Lesbian Rage was enflamed and I sent them the following response and photo. Craigslist is amazing. This is just one of many. I dont oppose drinkin and whorin, but if you place an ad at least be honest. I am so sick of sleazy bullshit. I know this has something to do with my numerous stomachs and backfat, I just know it. I know sending an email was childish and got nothing accomplished but at midnight, it made me giggle and I felt empowered for 2 whole minutes.
----------------------------ACTUAL CRAIGSLIST AD -----------------------------------
Wild party girls needed for last minute promo. A promotion company needs beautiful, friendly and outgoing girls to work selling shots, be the life of parties and make big $$.
We work with various popular bars and clubs in NYC. Part-time
positions are available Thursday-Saturday ( others days available for happy hour) However, the schedule is flexible.
The income varies from $150-350 per
night and it depends on the effort of each girl ( Commission plus tips.) The shifts are late in the evening
and about 6 hours long. Email your resume and picture along with your contact
information. We will be calling for Tuesday (6pm-8pm) and Wednesday (2pm-4pm) interviews.
Training will be on Thursday evening from 8-11pm. Shifts are open for this weekend.

ACTUAL RESPONSE --------------------------------------------------------------

To WHom It may Concern,
I am a hot whore. All I want to do is get guys drunks so they can date rape me and drink shots. OH please can I work for you. Then maybe I can graduate to "Master shot whore" How much does that pay? Well, it doesnt even need to pay, is cock a payment? yee haw. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Gulp Gulp. Call me. yours truly,
Whore Mc Whoresnatchhole