dubs dubs reunion with helga

GUILT

have i mentioned that i'm jewish? don't let this little angel here fool you.  

so, we're post fat camp.  post 1200 calories a day.  post 4 hours of working the ass off (as if i had an ass to work off.  damn.) and post other people telling you what to do, how to do it, what to eat and how to eat it.  

so, home is hard.  not as hard as i thought it might be-- but there are decisions to be made all the time. those are the things that really get you.  

life would really be easier if we didn't have so much damn choice.  the thing that makes life so wonderful, this right we have as human beings, the thing that we use to create our fate all day long is really a pain in the ass.  fuckin choice, man, you're so tricky.  

so, let's talk about choice (baby, let's talk about you and me let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be let's talk abouuuut choice).  you can look at choices and they can become so big, so important.  like, for instance, tonight a few of us ordered thai food for dinner, including a barrel of rice and chicken and vegetables drowned in sauce.  i had two bowls.  just went back to the counter to fill my bowl again.  cuz it was so damn good.  

so now i sit here now drowning in my guilt.  instead of looking at all the good choices i make, instead of looking at my hour workout today, instead of looking at the whole picture, all i see is a bucket of rice and chicken and vegetables and sauce.  lots of sauce.  

here's the tricky part-- i have a choice to make now.  it's not over.  what's done is not done. either i can just say, okay, whatever, move on, tomorrow is a new day... or... i can get caught up in what a failure i am because of this one dinner.  

how is it okay for us to abuse ourselves so hard??  it's just too easy.  why is that a choice we make so often.  why is that an easier choice to make?

okay, just wanted to get a little of that out.  work it through.  put it out there.  stick it to ya. sock it to ya.  put that in your pipe and smoke it.  food for thought.  yes, that feels right.  it's always about food. 

next time i will tell you about my new muscles.  that's more of the vibe i'm going for here. positivity and muscles.  

xo rachel