Sunday, January 29, 2006

vanessa huxtable

also known as tempestt bledsoe. also known as the sour puss of my favorite show, celebrity fit club. this saddens me. now, vanessa was never my favorite cosby kid. denise was. but isn't that obvi? my mom always said "it's so clear that the actress who plays vanessa wasn't rasied in new york. she has a distinct midwestern accent. bad casting. not believable." vanessa just didn't fit in. although the oldest cosby kid, sondra, made vanessa look like the actual fruit of cliff-n-claire's loins.

ANYway, even though vanessa wasn't my fave, she was part of the family, part of my thursday night line-up. so, as we practically grew up together, i have an undeniable spot for her in my heart. i'm rooting for tempestt bledsoe.

or am i? am i rooting only for vanessa-- the underdog, the kinda chubby middle child, the made up character who no longer exists except for on re-runs? that must be it. because tempestt is one snotty, attitudinal grown woman. it makes me wonder what vanessa would be like now? and do i want a reunion special or should we all just leave the huxtables where we left them?

maybe i'm too invested in the celebrities on celeb fit club. maybe i wanna feel like they are my brothers and sisters and that we are all in the same chubby sinking boat. i cry when i watch the show. I CRY, people. it just tugs on my overweight heart strings. and so watching tempestt acting so annoyed with the process makes me feel let down. it also makes me feel like, um, tempestt, do you even KNOW how good you have it? i'll take your place in a NEW YORK minute.

chaz, stay positive for me, girl.

whole grains and oprah,
rach, obese as ever by the way.

I think I'm getting Fatter

I am trying so hard. I am goin to the gym, I am not snacking., too much. But I feel like my stomachs are getting bigger. Is this possible? I was watching a show on TV yesterday and there was a whole segment on bad diets and good diets. Some Skinny Stick lady was describing each diet and why it worked. She said the best one was some sort of portion control diet. She said our portions shouldnt exceed a FIST. A FIST. I tried, and I have to admit, A fist, to me is like a snack. MY appetite requires a An arm and possibly a foot. Very depressing. I am going to try very hard to make myself go to the gym today, but it's Sunday and I would really rather lay around in my boxer shorts. But we gotta keep movin, Keep movin! I am looking into my closet, to see wat I'll wear today But the sad state of affairs dictates that I can only fit inot to 2 pairs of pants and a few fat shirts. I think it's time ot take out the tankini for inspiration. Maybe I need to see it.
Tankini Dreams!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

celebrity fit club

more on this later-- but i just have to mention the absolute adoration i have for chastity bono. she is inching her way toward becoming my new oprah winfrey-esque inspiration. if chaz lived in the neighborhood with julie and me we would hike up the hilly terrain of prospect park, just us three and our dogs-- she hasta have a dog, right?-- and we'd cheer each other on while throwing frisbees to the dogs and running around with our bouncy, new, sensible sneakers. then we'd call cher on chaz's celly and she'd invite us over for green salads with frisee and chicken and fennel. then we'd have a dance party on the patio and cher would tell us all the hot goss and give us fancy illegal vitamins that help our metabolisms speed right up.

i'm just saying. it's not completely out of reach.

chazzy can ya hear me?

whole grains and oprah,

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

breakfast part 2

whole grains. that's another key. yes, it is. just took otis (dog) for a walk and stopped at the bagel place as i sometimes/most times do to get some coffee and a bagel. but wait, i said to myself, you can't keep up this little walkin' otis-87 million caloried bagel coffee routine. but i walked in anyway because it's JUST THAT EASY to not listen to yourself.

usually the bagel place is swarming with customers and it's every man for himself, fighting tooth and nail to be next. rush rush rush. but today i walked in and it was just me and a couple of guys AY-YO, O-AYing with the counter guys.

"okay", i said, just marching up to the counter. " i'm fat, you guys. why am i here?" now, this is what i love about brooklyn folks. this is why i love new york and can't live anywhere else. "scooped out pumernickel, egg whites and a little turkey", one said. "yeah, but use the honey turkey, she'll love it," another one said. "yeah, and put lotsa pepper on it so it has some kick," said yet another one.

they all just hopped right on board helping me. people say new yorkers aren't nice. don't GET me started on that topic. new yorkers don't bullshit, that's all.

pumpernickel is a whole grain. just letting you know. this is, afterall, an educational blog of sorts. if you're gonna have bread, make it whole grain. pumpernickel, rye. might as well. lucky for me pumpernickel is my favorite. i used to not like it because that's what my grandma ate so i thought it was the old lady variety. but gram was right on. challah!

mantras are good. my mantra of the moment is "whole grains and oprah."

julie and i are gonna go on a 50 million mile walk with the dogs in prospect park. not to be a hippie, but the park is the best gym. it's just true.

whole grains and oprah,

Monday, January 23, 2006


So we went to the Y today to work out our stomachs. Now, Normally, I like the gym. I like working out. BUt recently I really much prefer sitting, laying down and smoking. My other vice. Smoking. I am really working hard at quitting that too. Damn. I went to the Y mca today looking for a hard ass work out and I could walk for more than 20 minutes on the treadmill. Maybe it's a start? For some reason, my brain can't accept this losing weight thing. I think about it every second, and yet for the life of me and for my entire life I havent been able to ecer truly finish the "new start" I begin. So, witht he help of this reality blog, I am hoping to be my own taslk show guest as Rachel stated and Oprah - ize my life. I am currently thinking about Doritos, and Steak as I prepare to go out for dinner with my wife and friends. I just have to remind myself of the Y today, of starting new, of the 20 minutes I was on that treadmill, the feeling of the body that is underneath this fat body that was running to break free through the blub. Maybe i'll have a smoke.

PS. MY chins are out of control. I am going to do this. I even feel like my hair is fat. Is that possible?

the GYM

okay folks. it's time. the gym calls. time to stop thinking of it as a box of stagnent, sweaty air. time to start thinking of it as the key, ya'll. the key. that, and grapefruit. kate says that a grapefruit a day will help. she's a nurse, so okay.

and by the WAY do not think for ONE MINUTE that i feel cool writing in this blog. i feel like a talk show guest. i feel like a daytime women's reality half hour. i feel fatter than i am while i'm writing this, on the couch, in my sweats, with my dog snoring beside me.

the thing that helps, possibly, is knowing that EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY. depending on when you're realizing this, it can be very comforting.

okay, time to put on cuter sweatpants and earrings. you never know who you're gonna meet at the gym.


Friday, January 20, 2006


i am a psycho. seriously. just knowing that i have to chill out with portions and fat content and calories makes me want to rebel and eat my couch. i hate this shit. makes me really mad actually. even the slightest feeling of needing to be in control feels like obsession to me and i'm so not into being obsessed about food/my weight. i HATE THAT SHIT. i'm not even a terrible over eater. but this whole regime or regimeeeeeen, as julie says, is making me feel like a lunatic.

yesterday i worked at the bookstore and we were preparing for a party for the people who did the AIDS walk in DC. it was a huge spread-- falafel, salad, tabouleh, hummos, babaganough, beet salad, spanikopita, cookies, nuts-- and you KNOW i had to just sample everything.

i wish i was oprah. it would be so much easier if i was oprah. you know it's true.


Thursday, January 19, 2006


um, i just ate two "organic date coookies" for breakfast and i swallowed my pills with diet dr. pepper.

gotta go work my shifts at the food coop so i can actually go shopping and have good choices in the house. ya think?

love and knishes,

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

blub blub blub

do you remember those ellios pizza commercials where the kid is sitting watching the frozen pizza cook in the toaster oven? he says he likes it because the cheese goes "blub blub blub" which i always found really kind of disgusting. i remember it, i think, because blub blub blub really decribes how i feel in this killer bod.

everyone in my family has had a weight problem at one time or another. i've truly convinced myself that there is some sort of cosmic anti-semitism going on because i've hardly met a jew without some sort of weight ish or guilt. i hate the WASPS, or at least the idea of them, with their cream colored sweaters and never the urge for seconds.

when i was in jamaica walking around with my thin friend who was always the most beautiful girl in the world growing up, the men, while overtly nasty and disrespectful, were cat calling at me, not her. i was the meal while she was simply the toothpick. i let all my stuff just hang out that week. i felt like a show off. felt great. when i got back to new york, the high lasted for a day or two until some woman offered me her seat in the subway because i was aparently pregnant.

in my last year of college i was tripping my balls off at the jersey shore with friends. we were all piled into the hot tub and i looked down at my white tanktop and black bra, at my boxer shorts and newly shaved legs and i said, holy fuckin shit, i am MADONNA. and i was. i went to the mirror and made some muscles and sure enough i was madge circa 1986, her desperately seeking susan years. hot. "hey, you guys," i said, "i'm madonna." and wouldn't ya know they all saw it too. and for the rest of the night i was signing autographs and dodging frenches. then i came down and slept the next day watching teen wolf, chain smoking and feeling sorry for myself. i tried so hard to see it again, like how people relive their bad trips over and over again. no such luck. doesn't work that way.

basically, i knew i had a real problem here when my friend, 7 months pregnant, asked if she could borrow my winter coat for her last trimester. it's not cool anymore. i'm sick of this shit. time to "get my svelt on", folks.

as mom's friend says,

love and knishes,




This is me. I admit it. I am not yet couragious enough to show my actual skin, I just cannot. But this is it, this is what needs to be changed. And I think I might even be heavier since this picture. Oh well. -- uhm, I am traveling currently. I am in Aspen Colorodo. First of all, Waking up at 5am is terrible for my regimine. Traveling food is so hard. I am also stuck in this hotel room blahblahexcuseexcuse. Needless to say I had Potato Chips, Goldfish, and A tuna fish salad sandwich. I am just sayin. Holla. Instead of just doin some sit ups in the hotel room I have been laying in the bed like a load. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Also, i want to admit, I am hungry all the time. I think part of my thing is going ot be controling the hunger. Accepting that I am going to feel hungry sometimes or at least the though of hunger and it needs to be controlled. So, I hope to eat a good dinner of California Rolls. even though thats fatty and WHite rice, but thats what I can afford tonight, and I am staying in....IS that lame by the way? I am in Aspen Colorodo, and I just want to lay in the bed. Go figure.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Julie Goldman and Rachel Friedman do solemnly swear to begin their quest for Tankini Dreams.
We will work out 3-4 times a week.
We will eat low carb, low fat foods, fruits and vegetables everyday.
We will check in daily with our progress and be honest about the progress or lack there of thru this journey.

To the bedt of our abilities we will achieve our dream, ney, our goal, of attaining weight loss, a firmer slimmer body and most importantly to be healthy and happy in our respective skins.

On this very important milestone, the first goal will be to turn several stomachs into one.

On this day January 17, 2006. 12:42pm.


Julie Goldman and Rachel Friedman, from hereout known as

Tankini Dreamers.