Sunday, August 27, 2006

still single

and ready to mingle. like stick a fork in me, i'm done.

i keep thinking that if i didn't have my pregnant belly and full moon-pie face and 87 chins that i would be picking up guys at the farmer's market, on walks with my dog, at the park, you name it. all over the doggone place-- as harvey would say.

i keep feeling like men aren't attracted to women like me. i keep telling myself this. it's abusive really. if someone else talked to me the way i do myself i would be so goddamnmotherfucking pissed off and i would not allow this person to be my friend. i would probably kick their ass or, more realistically, just fantasize obsessivly about kicking their ass.

okay, i just have to go off topic for a second to tell you that i am watching celebrity fit club right now (surprising, i know) and tina yothers just made me CRY with an impassioned speech directed towards angie stone. tears are rolling down my cheeks folks. yes i am on the rag and i am sitting on the couch with my dog's precious little head resting on my leg, and i just saw a really powerful movie tonight (half nelson) so i am especially emotional. oh and holy shit, by the way, the show just got intense. jesus, people, this show is good television. i am totally riveted. everybody is just losing their shit. and i'm so into it because i feel their pain. i feel their frustration. losing weight can make you want to just pull your hair out and throw chairs. sometimes it just feels so good to be moved, huh? i really feel tina's particular pain, i have to say. and we are pretty much the same size but she has the whole tits and ass thing going on.

which leads me back to me.

i have the tits but no ass. have you ever heard of someone who is overweight and wants to gain about 10 pounds in her ass?

do you ever get so bored with yourself and your issues? i don't mind having issues, i think they build character. but it's frustrating when a good percentage of all of your issues are directly affected by one issue. i mean, i would be so much more energized and inspired to work on all areas of myself if i were in shape, or on the way there. it's incredible how much it affects my every minute.

honestly, i don't think there is ONE MINUTE when i am not thinking about my weight. i can't even believe that sentence. i'm reading it with my jaw to the floor. it's the truth. not. one. minute. holy shit. that is deep. and upsetting. i don't deserve to feel that way and i'm the one who has the power to do something about it. but why is it so unbelievably hard to do that??

alright, i'm going to go drink a coke zero and deal with the last paragraph.

tina yothers always,

Sunday, August 13, 2006

tina yothers and the others

well, it's back! my favorite show-- celebrity fit club. i cannot even begin to describe how thrilled about this i am. it's possibly not the healthiest of thrills but i'm just gonna take what i can get in the thrill department if you know what i mean. wakka wakka wakka.

i've given up on weight watchers for the moment. i absofuckinlutely can't stand the group leader and there's so much going on in my life right now that i just don't need the added stress of sticking to a strict diet. i'm gonna get on my bike and try to deal with some of the blub on the road. but i'm not about to count points. i just can't bring myself to do it.

can we talk about tina yothers??? i have loved her since she was the zaftig little sister of malorie and alex p. keaton on family ties. she's back folks. she has had a baby and is fighting the bulge. just seeing her face-- i kid you not-- makes me want to cry. and when i'm alone i do cry. can't seem to make that happen around others so much but i'm waterworld when i'm alone watching oprah or a cereal commercial. my therapist calls it something like transferrence.

so who else is on the show, you ask? um, vincent pastoria (?) big pussy from the sopranos. i LOVE him and every inch of his italian load. he is, in the very sweetest way, a big pussy. cat.

next we have ted lange, yes, your ship's bartender and mine, isaac from the loveboat. apparently ted has put on a few and wants to lose the gut for his wife, who looks like he picked her up in the lounge on the last love boat cruise and has a "teriffic figure" as he keeps reminding us.

then there's the woman we all think of when we think of fat women, unfortunately for her, carni wilson. carni, as we all know, has been fluctuating up and down since her gastric bypass surgery which we were all invited to watch on the internet. now that sounds like fun. carni is a dynamic team leader and although she seems settled and grounded in her life seems like she has a few on air breakdowns for us to watch this season.

and then who do we have? none other than angie stone, an a-list soul/r&b singer who reminds me of a woman named laverne i used to know. angie is fierce, as the gay boys say. i think she's going to bring some class and some good nurturing vibes to the show. she doesn't blink. she's totally confident despite what the scale says.

then we have bone crusher, a humongous man who would make a gorgeous woman with those eyelashes. he is obese and blames it on his big bones.

and then we have some folks i don't really know like john tuturro's brother, nick. he's italian too and has some machismo issues to work through. and we have one of the women from baywatch who has red hair and a new baby. she seems dark and thoughtful, which i appreciate. she is this season's kelly lebrock.

i really wish they would pepper the celebrity group with some real people. i think this is the only reality show i would go on. i would face the humiliation just to get to work with dr. ian and greek lady papadopolis and harvey, who says doggone, which makes me giggle everytime.

i think i would win harvey over. i'd like to think i would. it's a game i play at stores and things. i try to win over the grumpiest, most bitter, most suicidal person in the room. i'm pretty good at it. i believe i have about a 90% success rate.

sorry for being gone for so long but life, it sucks the big one.

i think i'll sign off with--

tina yothers always,