Sunday, August 27, 2006

still single

and ready to mingle. like stick a fork in me, i'm done.

i keep thinking that if i didn't have my pregnant belly and full moon-pie face and 87 chins that i would be picking up guys at the farmer's market, on walks with my dog, at the park, you name it. all over the doggone place-- as harvey would say.

i keep feeling like men aren't attracted to women like me. i keep telling myself this. it's abusive really. if someone else talked to me the way i do myself i would be so goddamnmotherfucking pissed off and i would not allow this person to be my friend. i would probably kick their ass or, more realistically, just fantasize obsessivly about kicking their ass.

okay, i just have to go off topic for a second to tell you that i am watching celebrity fit club right now (surprising, i know) and tina yothers just made me CRY with an impassioned speech directed towards angie stone. tears are rolling down my cheeks folks. yes i am on the rag and i am sitting on the couch with my dog's precious little head resting on my leg, and i just saw a really powerful movie tonight (half nelson) so i am especially emotional. oh and holy shit, by the way, the show just got intense. jesus, people, this show is good television. i am totally riveted. everybody is just losing their shit. and i'm so into it because i feel their pain. i feel their frustration. losing weight can make you want to just pull your hair out and throw chairs. sometimes it just feels so good to be moved, huh? i really feel tina's particular pain, i have to say. and we are pretty much the same size but she has the whole tits and ass thing going on.

which leads me back to me.

i have the tits but no ass. have you ever heard of someone who is overweight and wants to gain about 10 pounds in her ass?

do you ever get so bored with yourself and your issues? i don't mind having issues, i think they build character. but it's frustrating when a good percentage of all of your issues are directly affected by one issue. i mean, i would be so much more energized and inspired to work on all areas of myself if i were in shape, or on the way there. it's incredible how much it affects my every minute.

honestly, i don't think there is ONE MINUTE when i am not thinking about my weight. i can't even believe that sentence. i'm reading it with my jaw to the floor. it's the truth. not. one. minute. holy shit. that is deep. and upsetting. i don't deserve to feel that way and i'm the one who has the power to do something about it. but why is it so unbelievably hard to do that??

alright, i'm going to go drink a coke zero and deal with the last paragraph.

tina yothers always,


Blogger meganjowilson said...

You are amazing. That's all I can say. A. Maize. Ing. (As the Natives of the Americas would say). Huh?

I'm delerious with fatigue and dreading the real world tomorrow. I have been eating with reckless abandon for the past 3 weeks or so. Not cool. I was actually sick the other day and in quite a bit of pain from my stomach being stretched to new heights.

Sean just dropped a bowl of tiny, crunchy ginger snaps next to me and I said, "Don't do it, man." What the fuck? Why do we have to deny ourselves one of the few simple pleasures in life? A delicious cookie (or 14). Why does it have to hold hands with guilt and regret?

In my head, I imagine that people who don't gain weight and can eat whatever they want don't even appreciate food enough - and certainly not to the degree that I do!

It's not true, I'm sure, but it's a perspective I cling to so that I can be pissed off. The logic is something like: If I love the taste of food so much, shouldn't I be the kind of person that doesn't gain weight?

It's not fair, I tell you! Every time I face an opportunity to eat (pretty much 24 hours a day) I have to choose which sacrifice to make: Eat the foods I want and feel bloated and uncomfortable in my own skin, or deny myself a beautiful, simple pleasure just to feel okay in my skin.

Argh. Sean is crunching the cookies and it is SO LOUD I'm about to lose it. (Sorry if you're reading this, honey. You know I am sound sensitive especially when I'm HORMONAL).


I'm going in the other room.

Rant, rant. Rave, rave.

I love you.


7:55 PM  
Blogger sean said...

I can't do ANYTHING right.

6:55 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home