the belly of the beast

okay so here i am a few years ago hanging from the subway handle like a fool. my belly is hanging out for all of the 7 train to see. i remember feeling really thin that day. especially when hanging with my arms stretched up-- felt a real elongation happening, a real flattening of the old stomach.

today i'm sitting here in sweatpants and my bra and my belly is hanging out for only my dog to see. there's something about it that is sexy to me. yeah it's big but it's smooth and cocoa buttered. sometimes i see my bigness and i think, yeah, this is what women are supposed to look like. this is what we're supposed to feel like. there's nothing less sexy than squeezing a bag of bones. i know that i feel good to hold. whether it's just because i'm comfy, as my friend says, or because i'm squeezable and thick. i can really talk myself into it sometimes-- really start to make myself believe that i'm the hottest thing on the block.

but then i catch a glimpse of myself and i am reminded that looking 7 months pregnant when you are certainly not pregs is just not a good look.

another sobering thought is that having a fat belly is the most unhealthy kind of fat to have. why oh why, i ask for the millionth time, do i not have a fat ass and hips like i dream of having.

people really don't believe me when i say that i want big hips and ass. but it's true. there's nothing more to say about it. i want big hips and ass. full stop.

so i've really been trying to eat better. and i have been doing a good job. but let me tell you-- you can eat well until the cows come home but if you're not moving your body, if you're not exercising and sweating, you can only get so far in your dramatic weight loss.

it really doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out.

i'm lazy, people. i mean, i know that laziness stems from other things. but i can't begin to tell you how hard it is for me to motivate to get my ass to the gym. julie has been so good. she goes almost every day and really works the fuck out. i always seem to have an excuse. so what to do? does anyone have any light to shed on overcoming this struggle?

i know that the stronger i am, the more i work out, the less lazy i'll be. but i'm too lazy to get to that point.

it's like this book on attention deficit i have-- i've been meaning to read it for years but i keep getting sidetracked. ridiculous.

anyway, here i sit with my big, sexy, unhealthy, pregnant but not, cocoa buttered, fat, rotund belly dreaming, almost every 6 or so minutes of the day, that i go 6 or so minutes without thinking about my big, sexy, unhealthy, pregnant but not, cocoa buttered, fat rotund belly.

how's it gonna happen?

love n stuff,
rach