Sunday, April 30, 2006

mea culpa!!!

well well well. my incredible friend, megan, has set me straight. jello pudding pops STILL EXIST, yo!!!

if you google jello pudding pops and then click on the "ice cream locator" you can actually type in your zip code and find the closest jello pudding pop to you and then go get it and remember the good old days while you are just dying inside, but in a good way.


i was just talking to my mom and grandma about how hard it is to deal with losing weight and how will power is so hard to master and how not feeling inspired is so hard and how not being focused is so hard. and now this. i tell you, i just wanna go to my nearest jello pudding supplier and inhale 10 boxes through a crack pipe.

but i won't. maybe i'll just have a few this summer. everything in moderation. riiiight?

i think i'm gonna sign off today with,

!viva pudding pops!

Friday, April 28, 2006

too upset to eat

you will NEVER hear me utter those words. ever. i have never, i will never, i just can't imagine it.

i wish i was one of those people who just lose their appetite when down and people have to convince them to just eat a cracker, a saltine, something. if that was the way i dealt with my issues i think i would be sitting here writing a totally different blog and i would not have just finished a rueben. delish by the way. no more ruebens. they are the devil sandwich.

i like to eat my way through sad times and insulate my body. i like to feel like a walking down comforter when i need support.

obviously i am not stupid, just so you know. i know that a lot of the way i/we deal with things is counter intuitive. i would feel more supported and more ready to help myself through hard times if i were stronger, less heavy, less weighted down.

that's all i have to say about it. i'm still thinking of checking out weight watchers. the thought just makes me want to puke-- which some would say is a good way to lose weight. no skank you.

whole grains and chaz,

Thursday, April 27, 2006


sometimes there's nothing more comforting than an ice cream pop. right? you can't eat one and feel like a full fledged adult.

i remember when i was little and would sleep at my grandma harriet's apartment, we would lie in bed with jello pudding pops and i would borrow her fancy red nighty and we'd watch dallas. i would always beg for a second pop and after fake thinking about it she would go back to the freezer and get a swirly one for me and a chocolate one for herself.

when i was in puerto rico last week pepo went and got judy and me ice cream pops and it was like the best gift we could have gotten. we sat on the park bench and tried not to drip onto our clothes and bit off the chocolate shell before slurping down the vanilla ice cream.

now, by the way, i have to tell you that i don't even really like ice cream that much. my mom on the other hand could eat it breakfast, lunch and dinner. wait. scratch that. she likes low fat frozen yoghurt and the lightest, least creamy ice you can find. what's the point, you ask, of eating ice cream? it's cold. it's sweet. it's familiar. and if you have dental problems it is a good numbing agent.

i've told people that i don't really like ice cream and i don't really like chocolate and they say oh, you're so lucky!

do i look lucky? i ask. sometimes people just say stupid shit. have you noticed that?

now, let me just comment on my boobs in the picture that julie put up in the last post. um... are you KIDDING me? that is some crazy angle action going on. just so you know, i'm not flat but i surely do not sport a mountain range on my chest. just had to mention that as i could not let it go without comment.

back to ice cream.

i'm sad to say that they took jello pudding pops off the market. i cannot imagine why. not only do i feel deprived of the best popsicle ever invented, i feel stripped of one of my favorite childhood memories.

so, mr. cosby, if you're reading this and still affiliated with the jello people, please ask them to bring back the pudding pop. summer 2006! they did it with coca-cola classic. they did it with red m&m's. make history. make us proud.

J-E-L-L-O, folks. okay? write letters to your congress people.

by the way, i have not had a whole grain in a month and i have not heard a peep from chazzy since celebrity fit club ended. but--

whole grains and chazzy,

Saturday, April 22, 2006

But I went to the gym.

I realized while on the Olivia cruise. Which was amazing. Me and Rach had the best time. We had A BLAST if you like. 7 days and night of fun, drinking and FOOD. THe god damned food.!!!!! I cannot go a day without thinking about my personal fat situation, and I am obsessed with my stomachs, chins, and stomachs and boobs on my back. It was fun to go on to the ports and see all the straight people from their cruises looking at us, and trying to figure out what exactly was going on. But when I think about how m uch we have and how appreciative we are of life and this aweosme vacation the other cruises can stick it. I have been on those cruises too. Though in some ways we're all the same. Believe me, The buffets, the formal nights, the drunk and disorderly conduct. ....It's all ALL the same. It's so funny. Now that I'm home, I miss the boat. I miss all the lez running around in all our glory. It's a sleepy rainy day here in NYC, and I am just thinking about all the highlights, and how badly I need to get in shape. This is how this refers to Tankini Dreams. After watching some of the FIT FIT FIT Lezzies on this trip...MAN, I have got some work to do. And I have to rememebr JUST because I go to the gym, does not mean I can eat 15 courses. The tide is turning again. I will take my 7 pound loss and double it. This is my solemn promise. I want to be healthy and fit. OH, and By June 28th. - My birthday, I will eradicate my smoking. YEs., I say that here Tankini Dreams. This Tankini Dremas is my promise. Again.

WOW.! We had the best time on the cruise. TANKINI highlights include.

Pringles and jellybeans at 2am

My personal record of 3 steaks in one day.

Doube Margaritas EVERY night.

24 hour room service. - which turned into a wake up call.

Salsa with Paula.

17 course meals, 4 times a day.

and yet, I just dont understand how I am still hanging on to a good 30 extra pounds... and I WENT to the gym everyday...BUt maybe going to the gym and overeating doesnt equal losing weight. Go figure.

MOre later. goin to take a nap. I should go to the gym. but it's raining. OH and SOapdish is on, Funny. THE movie with Whoopie GOldberg. I swear she's lez. BUt she's totally not. How is this possible? oh well. bed time.

In Tankini Dreams!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

ahoy mateys

okay, we're on the cruise. here are some notes so far. service is slow and expensive so i don't really have time for complete sentences...

ollivia cruise:

Just cuz you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean you can’t get a boob job. i saw a few.

A lot of these couples could be twin sisters or very close cousins. They are basically dating themselves in different clothes.

But sometimes, actually, they are wearing the SAME EXACT OUTFIT.

It’s still okay to perm and feather your hair.

It is also seemingly okay to grow your hair really long down the middle and just buzz off the sides.

You do not have to be femme to wear an evening gown or a sarong.

The dress that I wore to my 8th grade graduation is apparently still in style.

Just cuz you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be a macho sleaze bucket with fried leather skin.

Everyone is a comedian. No really, ask them, they’ll tell you.

Lesbians take dressing up in formal attire very seriously. I am talking tuxedo tails. Rented I’m assuming.

lesbians can sing!

On this ship you can wear whatever you want, whatever combination of colors and patterns and styles and call it an outfit. You can read this any way you’d like. It’s got some positive and negative effects.

I would just like to shout to the ladies from the promenade deck on a microphone:


Butch women are more likely to help you with your luggage than a man.

There are lesbians here who could’ve been my grandma’s school chum growing up. I think my grandma might have missed the boat. Pun intended.

Martina Navratilova on television looks like a horse. On this cruise she looks like a movie star.

lesbians are more supportive than a girdle.

Good new drink:

One shot stoli vanilla
A quarter of one crushed orange
One shot cointreau
Orange juice

It’s called a sunsicle.

From far away it is hard to tell a lesbian couple in khakis and polo shirts taking a cruise from a straight couple in khakis and polo shirts taking a cruise.

It is also hard to tell a military man in civilian clothing from a lesbian with a buzz cut. Same goes for frat boys and lesbians with loafers and button down shirts and baseball caps..

Make sure to really slather on sunblock evenly, otherwise you get pretty red and white striped patches on your body.

Old navy is the lesbian’s primary outfitter and best friend.

Sunglasses that hang off a rope are very handy while playing water sports by the pool.

Julie keeps thinking she sees her dad walk by.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see my dad’s doppelganger here either.

whole grains and chazzy,

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE - I found the cure

Yes, it has been a while, a long time, time has passed, I have been away. While working on the rosie/logo show I have been unable to blog. Yes that is a cop out, sue me. I am easily distracted, easily bored and quite easily ad.d. anyway... The show was quite an experience and ironically how does this affect Tankini Dreams you ask? Well I lost 7 pounds under duress. Funny eh? So I am trying to keep up the momentum. I figure all of these crazy diets dont know shit. What they should be doing is keeping people under incredible amounts of pressure and stress and the pounds will melt away. This is my new plan, the new diet that really truly works. It's called The Rosie/Logo Pilot if you fail your fucked like a cheap hooker Diet. or you can call it, all your eggs are in this TV basket and if it doesnt go through your back to temping you big fat fucking loser diet....I mean really call it what you will, it is personal for everyone. Don't let me tell you what to call it. As long as you stick with the main tenant of said diet you'll be ok. Now, I have been trying to keep up the Pressure. Yelling at myself every morning, silently pressuirng myself to be the best, and of course, giving myself mixed messages so that I remain ever confused and frustrated cause I don't know exactly what to produce or how to act or what to say on a daily basis. these are all sure fire ways to watch your excess chub drop to the ground. Weight Watchers, no thanks....I'll take The "There's 8 other talented people who want this really badly and their willing to suck it up and do what it takes, and if you're not you can go suck balls" diet....maybe this is harsh, b ut it's the only way you'll do it. Showbiz is an ugly ugly process and though I am grateful and so excited for the future, believe me, the show is a dream come true in manyw ays, but what no one ever teaches you in college or perforing arts programs is that the amount of stress is truly momentus. AND it's a great weight loss program. Awesome. More later., Going home for passover. I'll post pictures this week. 3 days till cruise.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

i heart monica lewinsky

it's the truth. and excuse me but how hot does she look in this picture? don't EVEN pretend like you don't see it.

back when monica was in the news every single second of every single day, i found myself routing for her. she was so demonized for what she did. well, excuse me but you would've done it, too. i know for sure i would have. i know for sure if i ran into bill clinton in an elevator tomorrow i'd be monica #2. in a heartbeat. don't even get me started on how criminally i think our nation treated her. i was disgusted. i couldn't comprehend the abuse.

monica is my homie.

when i went to mexico in 2001 my host family papa called me monica because i was gordita and he thought monica and i shared a look. well yeah, i said in english and therefore to myself, we're chubby jews.

i honestly hope to meet monica one day and collaborate on a book or something. i think we could really get along. i want to make sure she's okay after all the abuse she took. i want to tell her, monica, you are a rockstar. you are my hero. you are such a badass for all that you've been through. i'm gonna meet her soon. i can feel it.

i wonder what monica's up to these days. i know she's a real smarty pants so i'm sure she's doing well. last i heard she was living in the west village making bags. i think the west village is good for monica. i hope her gay boyfriends are taking good care of her and buying her lychee martinis bi-weekly.

i've often wondered how the clinton/lewinsky scandal would have been different had monica been thin instead of zaftig. would she have been attacked so ferociously? i seriously doubt it. she was such a great scapegoat. such an easy target. it's so much easier to disrespect women who are overweight-- because i think the general consensus is that women who are overweight don't respect themselves so much to begin with.

not me, yo. i got mad respect. one love, rachy pachy. go girl. it's your birthday. have a party. gonna party like it's your birthday. gonna drink bacardi like it's your birthday.

anyway, love to you monica if you're out there. i'm sure you're reading this blog. you and your fellas and your lychee martinis.

whole grains and chazzy,