Wednesday, April 19, 2006

ahoy mateys


okay, we're on the cruise. here are some notes so far. service is slow and expensive so i don't really have time for complete sentences...


ollivia cruise:

Just cuz you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean you can’t get a boob job. i saw a few.

A lot of these couples could be twin sisters or very close cousins. They are basically dating themselves in different clothes.

But sometimes, actually, they are wearing the SAME EXACT OUTFIT.

It’s still okay to perm and feather your hair.

It is also seemingly okay to grow your hair really long down the middle and just buzz off the sides.

You do not have to be femme to wear an evening gown or a sarong.

The dress that I wore to my 8th grade graduation is apparently still in style.

Just cuz you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be a macho sleaze bucket with fried leather skin.

Everyone is a comedian. No really, ask them, they’ll tell you.

Lesbians take dressing up in formal attire very seriously. I am talking tuxedo tails. Rented I’m assuming.

lesbians can sing!

On this ship you can wear whatever you want, whatever combination of colors and patterns and styles and call it an outfit. You can read this any way you’d like. It’s got some positive and negative effects.

I would just like to shout to the ladies from the promenade deck on a microphone:

THE FLOOD IS OVER
THE LAND IS DRY
WHY ARE YOUR PANTS
SO FUCKIN’ HIGH??

Butch women are more likely to help you with your luggage than a man.

There are lesbians here who could’ve been my grandma’s school chum growing up. I think my grandma might have missed the boat. Pun intended.

Martina Navratilova on television looks like a horse. On this cruise she looks like a movie star.

lesbians are more supportive than a girdle.

Good new drink:

One shot stoli vanilla
A quarter of one crushed orange
One shot cointreau
Orange juice
Soda

It’s called a sunsicle.

From far away it is hard to tell a lesbian couple in khakis and polo shirts taking a cruise from a straight couple in khakis and polo shirts taking a cruise.

It is also hard to tell a military man in civilian clothing from a lesbian with a buzz cut. Same goes for frat boys and lesbians with loafers and button down shirts and baseball caps..

Make sure to really slather on sunblock evenly, otherwise you get pretty red and white striped patches on your body.

Old navy is the lesbian’s primary outfitter and best friend.

Sunglasses that hang off a rope are very handy while playing water sports by the pool.

Julie keeps thinking she sees her dad walk by.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see my dad’s doppelganger here either.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

8 Comments:

Blogger Askinstoo said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
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3:42 PM  
Blogger meganjowilson said...

Is the above comment a fucking joke? Holy shit...this entry is hilarious. Thinking of you a-holes and smiling.

Hope you get lots of material for "your comedy" (a la Cheerleading Magazine)

5:45 AM  
Blogger Breegha said...

Julie, I was on the cruise and you were funnier than Whoopi! Good on ya, girl!

6:52 PM  
Blogger Wicked Wanda said...

Girl I was on the cruise too and how the hell can I get a copy of Monogamous Slut for my ipod? That shit was funny as hell!

My sides are still hurting from laughing so hard.

I'm so glad you were on our cruise. :)

5:06 AM  
Blogger Askinstoo said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
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3:32 PM  
Blogger bw2 said...

hey Julie... wow.. I've been telling everyone how funny you were. Though I love whoopie I don't really care about her pudownthere. I'll find out soon enough. YOU were over the top funny. Though I can't really relay ANY of your bits to do them justice. I mean really there is only one you (thank you Julie's mother oie veys mea .. how do you spell that sigh?)
Waiting for an available copy of your cd.
You are flying places lady ... be proud .. you deserve it!!

5:32 AM  
Blogger Askinstoo said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!

make extra money

5:51 PM  
Blogger Askinstoo said...

Very nice! I found a place where you can
make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!

make extra money

8:37 PM  

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