on the cruise ship lollipop

okay, so listen to this. julie and i are going on a CRUISE. she's the ship's comedian and she can bring someone and nikola, julie's wife, can't go and so i'm going. sucks for them but it's great for me. and julie will have fun because when julie and i hang out we pretty much laugh until we reach urination.

okay, so we're going on olivia cruise lines. yes, we're going on a big, fat, lesbo cruise filled with women who, from afar, look like andrew dice clay. can't wait. julie does a few shows and then has to yell out "G 24" at bingo and then the rest of the time we can hang out. julie hates to be still so i'll probably be lying out by myself a lot of the time while julie does other things like watch tv in the cabin and surfs the world wide web, i don't know. all i know is that julie doesn't like the sun either. she sounds like a real hoot, huh? no, stop it, she's fine. stop it. i said stop.

so my mom warned me that cruises are infamous for the all day long food shoved down your throat. so, i'm planning on using their gym every single day. that's 7 days. and i'm planning on being smart and eating a lot of fruit and salad and shit like that. after all, it's gonna be hot out there in the caribbean.

i was also thinking of burning a few extra calories monopolizing on my being the only woman on the ship attracted to men by hanging out with the crew members, but my mom also warned me that these guys basically boink women at every port while all the cruise passengers are walking around in their cackies and sensible shoes paying women negative 25 cents to put braids in their hair.

use protection, she said. but i don't think i'll be needing any as i'm pretty turned off by the whole idea.

so there goes that dream i had.

i went to macy's and bought a....TANKINI! whoop whoop. the dressing room situation in the swimwear section is a crime. the lighting is bright and stark and hideous and it really makes it hard to enjoy your reflection in the mirror. but i did my best squint and went with what felt the most comfortable. so i'm all suited up and i'm planning on walking around in my tankini not giving a flying fuck what the lesbians think of me.

it's actually good that it's a lesbo cruise because, let's face it, they are way more forgiving of women's bodies and their many shapes and sizes. shout out to my girls.

by the way-- i'd also like to give a shout out to the pre-republican, all grown up shirley temple. she was always a chubby little kid and grew to be a zaftig teenager. big ups to you and your fat cheeks and your dimples, shirley.

i'm just gonna say it-- i'm seriously thinking about weight watchers. i'd love to hear people's ideas on this subject. i hate the idea of it but it seems to work for people. i'm not doing a bang up job here on my own. i need some help.

do you think chaz has continued to lose weight even after the cameras have turned off? hope so. but, chaz, no presh. you know you're my homie.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach