chubby

i thought i was a chubby kid. i was in a way. i wasn't skinny. ever. but i didn't have a weight problem. i can see that now when i look at pictures. why, i wonder, did i feel so big? and why, at age 6, did i even think about it?

when i was little i went to peter pan nursery school and day camp on ocean parkway in brooklyn. i had a boyfriend named jerry and we kissed on the lips during naptime. during sing-a-longs we'd sit together and i would run my hand along the peach fuzz on the back of his neck. hot and heavy, i know. i remember feeling like the luckiest girl at peter pan because i had the cutest boy and i knew then that we had a kind of love that stretched beyond our meer 6 years. i also remember feeling lucky because i just knew i was chubby and he liked me anyway.

after swimming during the summer in the tiny rectangular pools in the backyard of peter pan, we would take off and hang up our bathing suits and then wrap ourselves in the towels our moms sent with us in our back packs. now, my mom has never been a real towel person. i've been to the suburbs where the towels are oversized and fluffy and my mom has just never been into it. she prefers thin, cheap towels that i now prefer as an adult. go figure.

anyway, while all of the other kids wrapped themselves in their parents' towels that dragged on the grass, i was wrapped in what my mom thought of as a kid sized towel-- a bathmat--which covered only the top 1/3 of my 6 year old ass. we had to walk passed the older kids and i just remember feeling mortified and naked and fat and vulnerable. finally one day i begged my mom to give me a suburban towel so i could cover myself up and not show the world how chubby i was.

i remember not wanting to play on the see-saw because i had images of dropping heavily into the ground and catapulting the other child into the sky.

looking at picutres now i cannot CANNOT imagine how i had this complex at such a young age. and for no reason. i will try to get a picture up here so you can see how not chubby i was and so you can see how foxy jerry was. i mean really.

and by the way, my friend laney just came over to watch project runway and brought pound cake and strawberries. what am i to do? (i say with a cheekful of both)

ugh.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach