TANKINI DREAMS

we do NOT need to see a real woman.

2009-03-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

so, what is going on here? on the left we have the utterly hideous kim kardashian PRE AIRBRUSHING. on the right is the airbrushed version that the masses can swallow without puking.

i can't even believe they let this leak.

opposite day, by the way.

it's really crazy that the picture on the left is something that needs to be FIXED.

also, by the way they LIGHTENED HER SKIN. there are so many things wrong with this on so many levels, it makes me embarrassed to be human.

xo rach

last summer's interpretive dance to ani difranco. very deep. and very ballsy to post, if you don't mind my saying so.

2008-11-25T17:41:00.000-08:00

dubs dubs reunion with helga

2008-09-13T20:01:00.000-07:00

GUILT

2008-09-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

have i mentioned that i'm jewish? don't let this little angel here fool you.

so, we're post fat camp. post 1200 calories a day. post 4 hours of working the ass off (as if i had an ass to work off. damn.) and post other people telling you what to do, how to do it, what to eat and how to eat it.

so, home is hard. not as hard as i thought it might be-- but there are decisions to be made all the time. those are the things that really get you.

life would really be easier if we didn't have so much damn choice. the thing that makes life so wonderful, this right we have as human beings, the thing that we use to create our fate all day long is really a pain in the ass. fuckin choice, man, you're so tricky.

so, let's talk about choice (baby, let's talk about you and me let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be let's talk abouuuut choice). you can look at choices and they can become so big, so important. like, for instance, tonight a few of us ordered thai food for dinner, including a barrel of rice and chicken and vegetables drowned in sauce. i had two bowls. just went back to the counter to fill my bowl again. cuz it was so damn good.

so now i sit here now drowning in my guilt. instead of looking at all the good choices i make, instead of looking at my hour workout today, instead of looking at the whole picture, all i see is a bucket of rice and chicken and vegetables and sauce. lots of sauce.

here's the tricky part-- i have a choice to make now. it's not over. what's done is not done. either i can just say, okay, whatever, move on, tomorrow is a new day... or... i can get caught up in what a failure i am because of this one dinner.

how is it okay for us to abuse ourselves so hard?? it's just too easy. why is that a choice we make so often. why is that an easier choice to make?

okay, just wanted to get a little of that out. work it through. put it out there. stick it to ya. sock it to ya. put that in your pipe and smoke it. food for thought. yes, that feels right. it's always about food.

next time i will tell you about my new muscles. that's more of the vibe i'm going for here. positivity and muscles.

xo rachel

PHAT CAMP

2008-08-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

okay, it's been a while.

it's hard to write here when i'm not feeling particularly proud of my accomplishments. it's hard to write when i'm not even finding things funny. i was getting really sick of not making forward motion, sick of standing still, sick of feeling stuck in my skin, heavy in my body and i was sick of not getting why i wasn't doing anything about it.

well, i went to fat camp. they probably wouldn't be too thrilled with me calling it that, but let's just call it what it is, shall we? i went to mother fuckin fat camp. MFFC.

i went for 2 weeks to hilton head, south carolina-- for me, this is the deep south. i stayed on a frickin' frackin' plantation complete with golf course, alligators, turtles, tall birds, palm trees, devout christians and republicans-- all equally foreign things to me.

i rode my bike a mile every morning to the main building where i had my breakfast of oatmeal, strawberries, bananas, flax seed and soy milk. i am not the oatmeal type of lady and i loved it there. not bringing that tradition home with me though. as much as i've liked eating oatmeal, i am not a fan of cooking it. the hardest labor during breakfast has got to be pouring from boxes. at least on the weekdays.

then, we had 4 hours of exercise per day (optional) and 2 lectures on topics like meal planning and food and traveling (also optional-- but really, why are we at fat camp if not to learn everything we can?). so, i was working my ass off-- cardio boxing, eliptical-ing, zumba dancing (amazing), yoga-ing, swimming, weight training, pilates training, biking alllll over the plantation (still can't get over that one), and generally having a ball.

the meals were delicious and clean and whole grainy and fresh-- so fresh and so clean clean clean. i left feeling like a million bucks. a sad pile of a million bucks.

it's hard to leave camp. don't you remember? you make a whole bunch of buddies, you have inside jokes, you get close to people in 2 seconds because you are basically meeting them with your heart stapled onto your sleeve, you skip ahead like dog years, have shared experiences, historical, emotional and fat camp-icle. i did so much cracking up i think i have a six pack just from laughing.

some things i learned at fat camp:

when you're in a situation like a party, where there's a big delicious spread, or even out to dinner, there's unwise, better, best-- there's always a choice. you're not always gonna make the perfect decision but you can be totally unwise, better or best. it's helpful.

nutrition is 70% of weight loss-- so don't think you can just work out and it'll melt off. nutirition is the key, y'all.

y'all is a really great thing to say (which i already knew because of my friend paige).

if you must have pasta or rice, fill a lot of the space in the bowl with vegetables. pack that shit in and you can have a large meal, a crowded plate, a full belly.

also, brown rice pasta is slammin'.

don't scratch alligators under their chins. they don't like it.

that's all for now. i'll be back. i've got to be. i owe it to my country.

i lost 10lbs in case you're wondering. challah!

love to love to love ya,

rach

check out julie!

2008-01-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

ay yay yay

2008-01-14T19:54:00.000-08:00

okay, so sorry but i had to take down the video blog. it was too embarrassing. shout out to gogo who was probably the only person to watch it.

i'll be back soon. without a cold, and maybe a few more levels of brain power.

sorry for the tease. sorry to all 3 of you.

love,
rachel

IM BACK

2008-01-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

I know Rizacheal has been very upset with me. BUT I'M BACK. Almost. I'm still fat in case you're wondering. lov julie

me on the beyatch as opposed to the beyotch on the beyatch pictured below.

2007-08-03T17:54:00.001-07:00

a day at the beyatch

2007-08-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

okay, so this is a picture of a woman who was just begging to have her picture taken at riis park beach. she was standing up swinging around her balls on strings-- as well as her own ginormous (chest) balls, no strings attached.

i have plenty of pictures of her from the front, but i'm not that much of an asshole as to show her face and tetas-- just her dental flossed ass. anyway...

the beach is a big fat playground for all of my insecurities to come out and play together. they just love it, and who am i to deny them their fun? of course i also enjoy it, too. i'm there for the tan and the laughs and the sound of the ocean.

i just try not to sit up.

the beach is actually a great place to be able to just lie down and forget about your rolls for a minute. but as soon as i sit up to engage with friends i end up engaging with my stomach angst and little do my friends know that i'm hardly listening to them and i'm in a heated conversation with myself, battling and arguing with myself like i'm trying to win the 8th grade mock trial or something.

i look at pictures from our beaching and all i see is my my stomach and then my face and how far away i am, not hanging out with the peeps but with my demons, who, as we all know, don't show up on film. or is that ghosts? the point is this shit just takes up to much space.

one of the things i do is to try to combat these feelings by being the big girl diva. the one who just loves me some me and if you don't like it you can just kiss my pancake ass. i'll get up and let it all hang out like i'm proud of it or something.

and actually...

sometimes i think i am. sometimes i think i'm better than others because i've got some weight. like there's more of me therefor there's more to me. now, i realize that that is just a load of bullshit that i tell myself sometimes but there's some deep truth to that. sometimes i feel like i am just so full of soul, like the more i protrude, the deeper i go.

is that a lie or is that the truthiest truth you've ever heard? sometimes i say shit and it sounds so good it must be right-- and then i pinch myself and wake up from my big fat dream.

well, i'm going to the beach tomorrow. i can't stay away. it's like 90 something degrees in new york. maybe the pounds will just melt away...

until then, i'll be eating my big sandwich as always, hating my belly and making it real big and round...

xo rach

remember this?

2007-06-07T20:29:00.000-07:00

clever little julie goldman photoshopped this picture way back when we thought we'd maybe possibly get even close to possibly maybe having those bodies. wait... what, you say?? those are not really your bodies??

anyway, so i've re-entered the world of weight watchers since i haven't quite made it to realizing my TANKINI DREAMS. this time i feel differently about it. we have the same group leader, the one who i used to feel was a psycho cheerleader who really couldn't be paid enough to really give two shits about me. but, i think she might've gotten a raise because i now find her endearing with her dimples and skirt suits and long island jewish accent. this time there's no blaming her for my leaving.

but this time i'm really going to try not to leave.

to tell you the truth, i'm not even really sticking to the WW diet but i am eating more mindfully. so that's a start. and so far it's given me a little bit of my face back-- some of my roundness has taken leave. so it may just be a few pounds but every pound has it's own special power.

this is something that i need to remind myself of. every pound leads to the next pound and soon i should be seeing little changes here and there. kind of fun if you think about it.

i just have to do it.

i did meet a friend this time, since i was by myself as julie will not go to WW with me. it's so much easier when you have a support group within the support group, even if it's just a little group of two.

i was on the phone with my mom today and we came up with my new mantra.

lose weight
feel great
find a mate
procreate

i fucking love it.

i'm breaking a fever right now and sweating my tetas off. hopefully i'll sweat off a few ounces while i'm at it.

xo rach

om shanti god damn shanti

2007-04-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

this is a picture from a few years ago. i've probably gained a few since this was taken but it's basically me-- by the way, i do not age. it is very weird. i look the same as i did when i was sweet sixteen. and that's the truth. people tell me that this is good but i see it as just another little thing that gets in the way sometimes.

that's where my head is right now. i am a lonely resident at YOUAREAPIECEOFSHITVILLE and i have settled in just fine. i am a law abiding citizen of YOUAREAPIECEOFSHITVILLE and as soon as i feel positive or if i respect myself in any way i immediately remind myself that i am, indeed, a piece of shit and i tell myself to stop playing myself and to stop even trying to feel good because it won't last. violins are the national instrument of YOUAREAPIECEOFSHITVILLE. so, cue them now.

i have been eating like a maniac, maniac on the floor, and i'm eatin' like i've never eatin' before. i am talking self sabotage, people. i am talking meatball heroes, pringles, soda, grape candy, coffee "drinks", pizza, etc. it's sick. it's a sickness. i am purposely making terrible decisions. it feels like i can't stop, like i'm out of control. i feel like a crazy person.

and now, as i'm writing this, i'm thinking, ooh, maybe i should order a whole pizza so i can have some now and then later when i'm hungry and then probably tomorrow for breakfast and then for a snack. then i'll know for a day and a half i will be stocked with something for my crazy person cravings...

when i'm hungry and there's nothing around i feel so worked up and out of control and my eyes get all narrow and beady and it gets really quiet in the house and the only thing that can be heard is the refrigerator door opening and closing 87 times because maybe, just maybe, i'll see something that i didn't see before.

i learned in the movie 28 days with sandra bullock that the definition of a crazy person is doing the same thing over and over expecting to get different results.

so this is what happens when i open up the fridge a million times and basically it's what i'm doing with all this emotional eating.

what am i expecting?

do i think that i'm going to feel better once i have a pizza pie inside of me, covering my little shriveled heart like a blanket? i do have to say, when i'm eating, it does make me feel good-- but then cut to TWO SECONDS after i'm done and, you guessed it, i'm not so happy anymore.

so what to do in place of the emotional eating? i'd like to refer you to the picture above (where if you look closely at my tetas you can see that i'm wearing a corona bikini. classy). i am making fun of the man in the background but let's just say for shits and giggles that i'm actually meditating.

people have told me that when i feel like eating i should just close my eyes and meditate for a minute. take a breath, change a feeling type thing. it is, in fact, true that taking a deep breath can really change your whole perspective on something. not big things, not life altering things, just things that exist in moments-- it can change how you deal with something. i'm sure they discuss this in anger management classes and at heal yourself workshops at kripalu.

but let me tell you how much it takes just to convince myself of this whole breathing thing. i am reeeeeeeally stubborn. or as my grandpa would've said stu-bor-ren with three syllables. i am so good at rolling my eyes-- just ask my mom. i am so good at laughing things off in self defense. i really think i'm standing in my own way in some little but dangerous ways.

i don't mean the whole breathing thing. i just mean a bunch of little helpful things that i brush off that when added all together could really provide me with some help.

it's really comfortable here in YOUAREAPIECEOFSHITVILLE. there's not much to do, not many responsibilities-- just to remind myself of my piece of shit status-- and the weather is chilly so i can wear my comfy sweatpants and big sweatshirts to hide my hideousness.

sending love from YOUAREAPIECEOFSHITVILLE and wish you were here!
xo rach

PS-- SOMEHOW THIS WHOLE THING HAS ENDED UP IN ITALICS AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE IT. SEE? I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT-- I KID, I KID.

the belly of the beast

2007-03-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

okay so here i am a few years ago hanging from the subway handle like a fool. my belly is hanging out for all of the 7 train to see. i remember feeling really thin that day. especially when hanging with my arms stretched up-- felt a real elongation happening, a real flattening of the old stomach.

today i'm sitting here in sweatpants and my bra and my belly is hanging out for only my dog to see. there's something about it that is sexy to me. yeah it's big but it's smooth and cocoa buttered. sometimes i see my bigness and i think, yeah, this is what women are supposed to look like. this is what we're supposed to feel like. there's nothing less sexy than squeezing a bag of bones. i know that i feel good to hold. whether it's just because i'm comfy, as my friend says, or because i'm squeezable and thick. i can really talk myself into it sometimes-- really start to make myself believe that i'm the hottest thing on the block.

but then i catch a glimpse of myself and i am reminded that looking 7 months pregnant when you are certainly not pregs is just not a good look.

another sobering thought is that having a fat belly is the most unhealthy kind of fat to have. why oh why, i ask for the millionth time, do i not have a fat ass and hips like i dream of having.

people really don't believe me when i say that i want big hips and ass. but it's true. there's nothing more to say about it. i want big hips and ass. full stop.

so i've really been trying to eat better. and i have been doing a good job. but let me tell you-- you can eat well until the cows come home but if you're not moving your body, if you're not exercising and sweating, you can only get so far in your dramatic weight loss.

it really doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out.

i'm lazy, people. i mean, i know that laziness stems from other things. but i can't begin to tell you how hard it is for me to motivate to get my ass to the gym. julie has been so good. she goes almost every day and really works the fuck out. i always seem to have an excuse. so what to do? does anyone have any light to shed on overcoming this struggle?

i know that the stronger i am, the more i work out, the less lazy i'll be. but i'm too lazy to get to that point.

it's like this book on attention deficit i have-- i've been meaning to read it for years but i keep getting sidetracked. ridiculous.

anyway, here i sit with my big, sexy, unhealthy, pregnant but not, cocoa buttered, fat, rotund belly dreaming, almost every 6 or so minutes of the day, that i go 6 or so minutes without thinking about my big, sexy, unhealthy, pregnant but not, cocoa buttered, fat rotund belly.

how's it gonna happen?

love n stuff,
rach

BEFORE, AFTER and NOW

2007-01-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

I have a "BEFORE PICTURE" body, I have come to realize. I look in the mirror, and I say That's what my body looked like before. Only what I am looking at is what my body looks like now, except I know that under that layer of blub lies the body of a stallion, or just a real dykey soccer player. Whatever works for you. I do feel like I am and have been living in this "before" state for way too long. The times they are a changing, the wind it is a blowing, The shit it has a hit the a fan ah. I do not want to live in this "before" state any longer. I do not want to walk by The Citibank window and look at myself and go. Ew. It could be so much better. I have come to understand howveer there is no diet, there is no group, there is no pill, there is no Oprah. It must start with m e and Jesus of course. I desperately want to get to that most coveted "after" picture for once in my life. So, My New Year's Resolution is to get to the "after" I will take responsibility for my own ass and I will no longer live in yetserday and think about before, and I promise for my tankini dream to get to that after though now I need to deal with now. Me and Raychul both must get our shit together and deal with now. So, we ar eon the NOW Regimine. The Regimine of NOW. Oh I am tired. I am gonna go eat Chinese food.
Love Julie

ouchhhhhh. OUCH.

2006-12-25T10:52:00.000-08:00

okay, i just saw something on tv that has really got my panties in a bunch.

vanessa minillo, an mtv vj, or whatever they are called, has gone undercover as "ugly vanessa", just like america ferrera in ugly betty. okay, fine. so it's an expose (sorry i can't do the little accent over the e) about how fat, ugly people are discriminated against.

my must fat and ugly always go hand in hand? it's ridic.

so how did vanessa prepare for this hard hitting news report? she was given braces, a wig of thick black hair, some dumpy clothes and a fat suit. or should i say "fat suit"-- but let me get back to that in a bit.

first i will address the dumpy clothes. i love how when these "reporters" go "undercover" to expose the unfairness of the world when it comes to "fat" people. let me please just say that just because you are overweight does NOT mean that you shop exclusively at k-mart and the salvation army or that you get your shoes at stride-rite.

we are not a fashion-challenged people just because we require more inches of fabric in our jeans.

so the fat suit. do you want to guess what size the fat suit brought her up to? don't read on for a second and just guess what atrocious size they made her so that she would appear obese and unattractive...

a size motherfucking 12. do you know what a size 12 looks like? i would have to lose at least 10 pounds to fit into a true size 12-- not the size 12 at old navy where they make their sizes bigger to make you feel better about yourself. (thanks, old navy, that's kind of sweet.)

are your eyes bugging out of your head? is your forehead all scrunched up in a "what the fuck??!" expression?

so ugly vanessa first went as pretty vanessa and tried to crash a party and the bouncers let her right in. then she came back with her obesity and tried the same and lo and behold, she was not invited in. shock.

when she talked into the camera with fake tears in her eyes she talked about how invisible she felt but at the same time people were staring. and we're supposed to feel sorry for her. why doesn't she get angry instead of sad? she just sort of adds to the passive, pouty image of the fat girl leaning against the wall at the 7th grade dance.

she gets to take it off and go back to being regular, hottie, sleeping with nick lachey and eating carrot sticks vanessa. because let me tell you, in hollywood they are not eating. the skinny girls have it hard, too. they are unhappy and hungry. but this is certainly not about them.

the truth is-- what happened to vanessa is what would happen if you were, god forbid, a size 12. by the way, i would say 14 is probably the beginning of the real discrimination.

but the thing is-- she didn't need to put on the braces, the wig or the dumpy clothes. the truth is that even if you are an attractive woman with good style, pearly white teeth and good hair, you are treated unfairly and with way less respect than a woman who, simply because of her size, is treated like a person of value.

that is the honest truth. of course there are exceptions, but not many.

um, happy holidays?
xo rachel

HEre I am oh...

2006-11-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

Here I am. Here I am. Its Thanksgiving, I have hives and I am busting out of my pants. WHat can I say. I have been gone for oh so long. And I must make a grand entrance. I am too tired and bloated and drowsy on Benedryl and wine to write much, but let me just assure you My darling, I am back and I'll be back with some brilliant TD commentary in mere moments. Now Go Fuck yourself.
love Your Darling

what happened to julie goldman?

2006-11-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

i just want to remind the masses (all 4 or 5 of you?) that this is the blog of "2 bff chubby jews" and not just by one lonely chubby jew.

now, folks, let's not spend time feeling abandoned by our friend julie. she is busy becoming a superstar and just doesn't have time for us regular people. stop it, i'm just playing. i mean really. she's doing the best that she can. really, no, stop that crying. she'll be back.

actually, just to fill you in, julie has been spending a great deal of time at the gym and she's working her shit out. that's right. you heard me. she's busting ass.

last night i went to see her perform and i was sitting to the side of the stage and i'm telling you, she has truly reduced her body profile. i was almost inspired to do the same as i sat drinking my gin-n-lemonade and eating my steak sandwich.

honestly, i have to stop doing stupid shit. i mean, when it comes down to it, this shit is hard enough to do even if all you eat is green this and steamed that.

it's probably best to just stop making stupid decisions. or at the very least, go a few days without one.

hey, happy thanksgiving. eat whatever you want. thanksgiving is not about diets. it's about triptofan naps and antacids and warm oranges and browns on your plate and turkey sandwiches for a week.

as dave chappelle (call me) might say,
gobble gobble bitches.
xo rach

age ain't nothin' but a number-- and a whole new perspective on life.

2006-11-18T10:55:00.000-08:00

okay, it's done. i'm 30 years old. unbelievable that i am now the age that my mother was when she gave birth to me. i remember when i passed the age my mom was when she got married-- that was weird because i was 19. then i remember when i passed the age she was when she was divorced. that was also weird because i was 22. but this is the heaviest-- this time i want the thing that my mother already had.

i've gained weight. i'm totally over weight watchers. well, i am for now. maybe some other day i will drag my pancake ass to the meetings and just do it. but until then i have to find a way out of this hole without having to go to the neighborhood temple for a weekly meeting with women who, at first, i got a real kick out of. the whole experience quickly went from kitschy to kvetchy. (do you all have your yiddish to english dictionaries on hand?)

side note-- i realized recently that the one good thing about people thinking i'm pregnant is that it means that people think i am actually having sex.

anyway, here i am in this picture at my 30th birthday party. you can see the ginormous piece of cake on my plate. it's okay to eat whatever you want on your birthday by the way. sans guilt. it really takes a lot out of you to be alive, right? so on your birthday what's really being celebrated is that you have made it through another year and still manage to have it in you to smile and to even leave the house. why we don't just stay in bed every day is beyond me sometimes. because sometimes it seems the only appropriate place to be. life is a real motherfucker sometimes.

a week before my birthday my grandma died. she was one of my best friends-- for real-- and losing her has been a nightmare. between losing my grandma and reaching 30 i've gained a sort of new perspective on things. on almost everything. there's just a new layer blanketing every aspect of my awareness. somehow, i just don't care as much about what other people think of me. and let me tell you-- this is something that i've really suffered with in my life. i'm not saying i'm totally over it and now have aspherger's syndrome, i'm just saying i think i've actually grown up overnight.

i just feel like it's okay to be me.

um, what? somebody cue the lights and the violins. we have grand sweeping statements gracing the stage.

if it's possible to change overnight i've done it. it's subtle but profound. it's not some big feeling i need to scream from the rooftops. it's just a little pouch in my stomach that is no longer longing for something. gross.

don't know what this has to do with weight yet. but i'll let you know. i have to lose weight, that's for sure. but maybe with some of my new perspective i can make something really happen.

i realized recently that the reasons for my gaining too much weight are no longer alive. i'm no longer plagued with the same deamons. but the wieght is still here and now i'm just stuck with my patterns. gotta break them.

we shall see, shant we. (that line is from the television movie version of "the secret garden" and i used to say it all the time thinking i was so clever and brittish.)

i need a new sign off. i have been loving barley lately so--

love and barley,
rachel

butt nekkid

2006-09-25T21:19:00.000-07:00

this is the uncencored trailer of the movie "shortbus", john cameron mitchell's new film which i was really stupidly lucky to be a part of. i did not get naked on camera though. i wasn't on camera at all. i've seen the film a handful of times now and each time i'm just blown away by the bravery of these actors. i've wondered a few times, had i met john earlier, like before he started casting, would i have been brave enough to be a part of it? the on screen part of it. the process they went through was amazing. took them all 3 years to get to the point of filming. there's a really good NY times article about the process. go to the times online and check it out. i told you i don't know how to embed links yet. although here's a video somehow. anyway, watch this and imagine your own bravery, not only being butt naked but dealing with sex and sexuality on a large screen for a jillion people to see. i have so much to say about this film-- brings up so many issues for me-- but i'll get into all that another time. for now, check it out. xoxo rachel

i'm fatter than carnie wilson

2006-09-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

i remember carnie used to hide behind the piano in the wilson phillips videos. i feel like maybe i should get a piano to walk around with. i'm feeling huge these days. at least i'm not as ginormous as gary busey's veneers. just saw a clip with him in it. jesus christ. if i knew how to add links i would go ahead and do so but for now you'll just have to google image his mouth to see the unfortunate, large-kernel corn on the cob he's got going under his lips. oooff.

carnie wilson and tina yothers are both smaller than me now. what the fuck is that shit? no offense carnie and tina. you both are my homies. big ups.

i've been feeling annoyed that all i write about is being a fatty but then i remembered that that is what the blog is about. so there you go. i guess it's the topic.

okay, i'm watching tina during her weigh in. that girl is starting to look like a little hottie. it's very exciting. i'm thrilled for my girl. go, tina, go! she's all inspired too. you can see she has energy to keep going. i know it's the first 10 lbs or so that are the hardest. but once you get past those guys it gets easier. you start looking all fly-girl and then actually want to get to the gym, not only to work out but to look cute on the treadmill and show off your new silhouette.

tonight's menu.

popcorn with BUTTER at the movies. (saw MOM, the movie that julie is in. she's awesome! and so is my friend emily.)
twizzlers.
chicken souvlaki with rice and tzaziki.
salad with feta.
some more twizzlers.

did i mention that i'm fatter than carnie wilson?

that is not a pretty sentence.

oh. my. god. i have to talk about ted lange a.k.a your friendly bartender from the love boat, isaac. first of all he has lost a lot of weight. good for him, let's just get that out of the way. the thing that needs adressing is the fact that he is wearing a janet jackson circa 1995 choker necklace. second of all, ted is ALWAYS talking about his life in the sack. i can't tell you how not sexy i find him. i guess that's all i really have to say about him. it's the necklace. that's what i needed to talk about.

okay, let's discuss dr. ian. he is getting pretty pretty. i do believe he has been working out. and right now he is reading angie stone up and down like a book. poor angie-- but i'm not even getting into that. dr. ian, call me. i'm serious. i'll go on whatever diet you wanna put me on. i think i'm crushing hard. he's gone from a little boy smarty pants doctor to a grown man confident hotttt-ay. my, my. i'm having a reaction.

hmmm, well. i think on that note i will bid adieu. to yieu and yieu and yieu.

tina yothers always,
rach

still single

2006-08-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

and ready to mingle. like stick a fork in me, i'm done.

i keep thinking that if i didn't have my pregnant belly and full moon-pie face and 87 chins that i would be picking up guys at the farmer's market, on walks with my dog, at the park, you name it. all over the doggone place-- as harvey would say.

i keep feeling like men aren't attracted to women like me. i keep telling myself this. it's abusive really. if someone else talked to me the way i do myself i would be so goddamnmotherfucking pissed off and i would not allow this person to be my friend. i would probably kick their ass or, more realistically, just fantasize obsessivly about kicking their ass.

okay, i just have to go off topic for a second to tell you that i am watching celebrity fit club right now (surprising, i know) and tina yothers just made me CRY with an impassioned speech directed towards angie stone. tears are rolling down my cheeks folks. yes i am on the rag and i am sitting on the couch with my dog's precious little head resting on my leg, and i just saw a really powerful movie tonight (half nelson) so i am especially emotional. oh and holy shit, by the way, the show just got intense. jesus, people, this show is good television. i am totally riveted. everybody is just losing their shit. and i'm so into it because i feel their pain. i feel their frustration. losing weight can make you want to just pull your hair out and throw chairs. sometimes it just feels so good to be moved, huh? i really feel tina's particular pain, i have to say. and we are pretty much the same size but she has the whole tits and ass thing going on.

which leads me back to me.

i have the tits but no ass. have you ever heard of someone who is overweight and wants to gain about 10 pounds in her ass?

do you ever get so bored with yourself and your issues? i don't mind having issues, i think they build character. but it's frustrating when a good percentage of all of your issues are directly affected by one issue. i mean, i would be so much more energized and inspired to work on all areas of myself if i were in shape, or on the way there. it's incredible how much it affects my every minute.

honestly, i don't think there is ONE MINUTE when i am not thinking about my weight. i can't even believe that sentence. i'm reading it with my jaw to the floor. it's the truth. not. one. minute. holy shit. that is deep. and upsetting. i don't deserve to feel that way and i'm the one who has the power to do something about it. but why is it so unbelievably hard to do that??

alright, i'm going to go drink a coke zero and deal with the last paragraph.

tina yothers always,
rach

tina yothers and the others

2006-08-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

well, it's back! my favorite show-- celebrity fit club. i cannot even begin to describe how thrilled about this i am. it's possibly not the healthiest of thrills but i'm just gonna take what i can get in the thrill department if you know what i mean. wakka wakka wakka.

i've given up on weight watchers for the moment. i absofuckinlutely can't stand the group leader and there's so much going on in my life right now that i just don't need the added stress of sticking to a strict diet. i'm gonna get on my bike and try to deal with some of the blub on the road. but i'm not about to count points. i just can't bring myself to do it.

can we talk about tina yothers??? i have loved her since she was the zaftig little sister of malorie and alex p. keaton on family ties. she's back folks. she has had a baby and is fighting the bulge. just seeing her face-- i kid you not-- makes me want to cry. and when i'm alone i do cry. can't seem to make that happen around others so much but i'm waterworld when i'm alone watching oprah or a cereal commercial. my therapist calls it something like transferrence.

so who else is on the show, you ask? um, vincent pastoria (?) big pussy from the sopranos. i LOVE him and every inch of his italian load. he is, in the very sweetest way, a big pussy. cat.

next we have ted lange, yes, your ship's bartender and mine, isaac from the loveboat. apparently ted has put on a few and wants to lose the gut for his wife, who looks like he picked her up in the lounge on the last love boat cruise and has a "teriffic figure" as he keeps reminding us.

then there's the woman we all think of when we think of fat women, unfortunately for her, carni wilson. carni, as we all know, has been fluctuating up and down since her gastric bypass surgery which we were all invited to watch on the internet. now that sounds like fun. carni is a dynamic team leader and although she seems settled and grounded in her life seems like she has a few on air breakdowns for us to watch this season.

and then who do we have? none other than angie stone, an a-list soul/r&b singer who reminds me of a woman named laverne i used to know. angie is fierce, as the gay boys say. i think she's going to bring some class and some good nurturing vibes to the show. she doesn't blink. she's totally confident despite what the scale says.

then we have bone crusher, a humongous man who would make a gorgeous woman with those eyelashes. he is obese and blames it on his big bones.

and then we have some folks i don't really know like john tuturro's brother, nick. he's italian too and has some machismo issues to work through. and we have one of the women from baywatch who has red hair and a new baby. she seems dark and thoughtful, which i appreciate. she is this season's kelly lebrock.

i really wish they would pepper the celebrity group with some real people. i think this is the only reality show i would go on. i would face the humiliation just to get to work with dr. ian and greek lady papadopolis and harvey, who says doggone, which makes me giggle everytime.

i think i would win harvey over. i'd like to think i would. it's a game i play at stores and things. i try to win over the grumpiest, most bitter, most suicidal person in the room. i'm pretty good at it. i believe i have about a 90% success rate.

sorry for being gone for so long but life, it sucks the big one.

i think i'll sign off with--

tina yothers always,
rach

but i don't drink beer

2006-07-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

i have a beer belly.

it is not cute! i am so over it!

but somehow i'm not. i just keep adding to it. i seem to like it. i must like it, because i don't seem to be trying very hard to lose it. maybe i think it really is a baby. that would be sick.

here, in this photo, i am partaking in a love boat moment on the cruise. i'll just tell you, i felt pretty svelte when this photo was taken. svelte enough to just let my belly hang out. well hang out it did and now i'm bravely posting it for all (5 of you?) to see. also-- nice double chin.

i long for the day when my boobs jut out farther than my belly.

what happened to dubs dubs you ask? good question. good question. well, i went a few times in a row, stuck to it, exercised, stayed away from pasta and bread, drank my water, took my vitamins, and then i just lost my nerve or something. lost my drive? my inspiration?

please someone do me a favor and tell me the secret to sticking with something.

i'm leaving for california in a few days. i'll be there for 11 days. when i get back, so help me god-- who i do not believe in-- i will go back to dubs dubs and get back on the band wagon.

you know one of the problems is i do not like my dubs dubs leader. she's got a little bit of a mean streak. or an evil camp counselor vibe. yes, that's it. evil camp counselor. but do i need to like her for it to work?

(whenever i end paragraphs on questions i feel like either carrie from sex in the city or doogie houser, MD.)

had another pregnancy dream last night. i used to think that meant i was creative and i was giving birth to an idea. now i just think i'm being paranoid, even in my dreams, that people think i am.

i have got to get something new to obsess about. this can't be fun for you anymore.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

hide behind the bling

2006-06-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

i usually make sure to have earrings on when i leave the house. it's one of my vanities. used to have to leave the house with lip gloss but i've gotten better about that one.

i can leave the house easily in sweatpants and flip flops but it's the earrings i need. go figure.

today i left the house without earrings and i noticed three blocks away. i paused for a good minute thinking about what to do-- go back and get them? go on without them and challenge myself? stop at a store and get a cheap pair and then feel guilty about spending like an asshole?

i chose the second and went into my day, naked-eared and hoping that i wouldn't run into anyone i knew. and that made me ask myself, would anyone notice if i didn't have earrings on? would they see my face and feel like something was missing? would they feel that i was lacking that certain pizazz i always have in the form of dangling fake gold?

probably not.

i felt absolutely vulnerable without my earrings and i realized that i hide behind the bling.

and now two things are running through my head.

1) i am not wearing big earrings in the above picture which is kind of confusing. but whatevs.

and

2) this is so not deep.

and that's the point maybe. sometimes we drive ourselves crazy with things that are so unimportant.

i'd also like to mention that having a little tan makes me look a little thinner.

whole grains and chaz,
rach

everybody and their mama

2006-06-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

is it just me or is everybody preggers? i have a handful of friends who are either on their way to popping one out or have just recently popped one out. when i walk down the street i am weaving in and out of big bellied mamas. and let's not forget to mention angelina/katie/gwynneth/gwen/brooke and all the other starlets growing their little seeds.

my biological clock has been ticking since i'm 16 years old. maybe it was a fake tick then-- sort of a longing to be wanted, needed and loved. maybe i just needed a puppy then. but now, oh man, my ovaries have spikes in their asses and cannot sit still.

more than anything i would love to be preggers. i want to walk around with my maternity jeans and my halter top and my big belly smothered with cocoa butter. i want to lie in the park in my bikini top and boxer shorts and feel the sun on my belly. i just want to march the belly all over town and have my own little parade.

but i am not pregnant. wait, am i? maybe i am. it seems that i might have forgotten something. a little unprotected roll in the hay maybe? because just the other day as i was looking in a store with a friend the girl behind the counter and i had a back and forth that went like this:

counter girl: wait, are you susie's sister?

me: no, who's susie?

counter girl: she owns the store. i totally thought you were her sister because she said she had a younger sister who was pregnant and i just thought it must be you.

me: huh. interesting. that's funny.

counter fucker: why funny?

me: because i'm not pregnant.

then counter motherfucker goes into a whole oh my god, i'm so sorry, shit, oh man, shit, i'm sorry blah blah blah.

and then i leave with my friend sucking in my stomach and cursing quietly.

there's something so backwards about this situation. i mean there are the obvious fuckedupednesses like don't god damn tell me i'm pregnant when it's not TOTALLY obvious. and if i say i'm not susie's fuckin' sister in the first place just go back to folding the new spring line and leave me alone to my fake shopping. and my lamaze.

but then there's the backwards-ness in the fact that i wish it were true.

i hafta tell you-- that shit really hurts. it is a real low blow. hard to recover from it. i know i should just blow it off but it's not easy. kind of crushing to the little soul.

anyway i've cheated left and right this week on dubs dubs. i'll get back to it. it's just been a hard week in every single way and i've given up a bit on everything. but no more. back to life. back to reali-tay.

i'm feeling some contractions so i'm going to leave it at that for now.

whole grains and chaz,
rach

i gave in to dubs dubs.

2006-05-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

i joined weight watchers. i did it. 3 weeks ago. and i've lost 3lbs. oh, and 2 ounces. julie has joined, too, but she'll tell you about what join means to her.

julie and i were walking down the street the other day and saw our friend lauren who told us that we were "disappearing". love it. yeah, those 3lbs have really shrunken me down to nothing. how i do not get blown away by the wind is beyond me.

but honestly, those 3 lbs are making me feel like a rockstar. like a sweaty, midrift bearing, lead singer. we've been working out, eating better, working out some more... yeah, me, i'm riding my bike like i'm frickin' training for the frauw de la freui. whatever it's called. some french bike race. i am riding around the park and everybody is passing me by, to tell you the truth, but i'm going at my comfortable pace feeling like i'm looking kinda fly girl with the wind swishing whistles past my ears.

the park is gorgeous. anyone who says you can't get nature in new york obviously hasn't been to prospect park. that place in more green than those pictures of ireland i've seen. it's amazing.

so the dubs dubs (short for double u double u-- WW) meetings are hilarious. my leader, or whatever she is, has a brooklyn accent they just don't make anymore. she has a bad knee but wears high heels. she hands out little star-stickers that say bravo on them when you tell her that you turned down a knish or didn't take seconds on the chicken. she is our cheerleader.

now, i'm not a real fan of cheerleaders especially when they are cheering ME on. i do not like to be talked to in a voice raised 3 octaves with the phrases:

you can do it!

believe in yourself!

good job!

atta girl!

today is the first day of the rest of your life! (although that one has a good point, i hafta say.)

i like to be talked to like we are equals and we are both firmly planted on planet earth. but somehow our cheerleader leader doesn't bother me terribly. also, i realize it's my problem if she does. hating her would make it easier to quit.

the woman who weighs us in sounds like the daughter from "grey gardens". oh, mother dahhhrling!rent that right NOW if you have no idea what i'm talking about.

dubs dubs is a good program. it is not like AA for fat people, like i thought it would be. it's a little group support groupy but these women are kind and funny and honest and, dare i say it, brave.

3 lbs, baby! that is the most i've lost in a long time. so i'm gonna take my 3 lbs and shake shake what my mama gave me! shake shake my money maker! shake that booty, shake that ass! i can't wait to sit down and not have to make any decisions about my belly.

i think that's all i got for now. stay tuned. i'm feeling forward motion. finally.

oh. tour de france. that's what it's called. duh.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

2 hot girls eating pizza. - another true listing

2006-05-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

heres your hot girls. -- Again, this is a real ad. hot girls eating pizza. in bikinis. All I have to say is., Now that is Hilarious. Oh yes, Oh Internet comedy site, this bit is going to be so damn funny. Maybe next time you can get 2 hot girls to drink beer, then, you can get 2 hot girls to eat hot dogs, oooh wait, 2 hot girls, eating your cock. Oh I feel so much better now that it's notpornographic,it just suggests pornography which makes it ok to solicit women? I would respect it more if it was porn, at least they're honest about what they're doing. You sleazy, lecherous NOT FUNNY, scumbags. Love, Julie
Internet Comedy series needs 2 hot girls to eat pizza

Reply to: chcasting@gmail.com
Date: 2006-05-08, 5:10PM EDT

A popular Internet comedy series is looking for two attractive girls for a brief role in an upcoming episode. The part will require each actor to appear in her underwear and eat pizza (no vegetarians please). This is NOT pornographic and there will be no nudity. Shooting should only take a few hours and will occur sometime over the next three weeks.

If interested please send an email to CHCasting@gmail.com with a full body shot attached.

my name is rachel and i am a diet coke head.

2006-05-03T08:49:00.000-07:00

HI RACHEL!

okay, so i don't know if you've noticed that there is a WAR against soda, and this includes diet soda. if it's on oprah it's BIG. and folks, it was on oprah. i heard everybody standing around the watercooler of life talking about it. ever since then every local news program talks about it before dealing with whatever fire or murder that took place in new jersey. (have you noticed how much shit goes on in jersey?)

apparently they tested two groups of lab rats, one group had drops of real sugar in their water and the other group had sugar substitute in theirs and when it came time to eat, the fake sugared rats ate more than the true blue sugared rats. so now diet soda is making us eat more. not like we're eating green salads and miso soup and then after ordering the diet coke we feel the need to pack it in.

we're the ones drinking the diet coke for a reason.

i mean, how many times have you ordered a bacon cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake and then had the NERVE to come out with and i'll have a diet coke please.

you might as well ask for some crisco with a straw because at that point it really doesn't matter.

so diet coke or no diet coke, it's the food we need to change. not to mention that diet products give you cancer and other things they have no cure for. right? is that what they say?

they're taking away soda in the nyc public schools. this, i think, is a good idea. see, i'm not against the people who are against soda. i know it's bad on so many levels.

i think what i'm upset about is that i already have to cut down on so much in my diet--(although i have yet to really put this into effect)-- can't i just please have my cold, bubbly diet soda?

as james brown said, "I'M MAD! I DON'T KNOW KARATE BUT I KNOW KA-RAZY!"

it's cool. i'll get over it. summer's coming. time for iced tea anyway.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

PS-- you know julie wants that job...

Need HOT shot girls immediately to make big $$$

2006-05-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

Ok. I dont know what this has to do with Tankini Dreams, But, I saw this ad on Craigslist. and for some reason, My fat Lesbian Rage was enflamed and I sent them the following response and photo. Craigslist is amazing. This is just one of many. I dont oppose drinkin and whorin, but if you place an ad at least be honest. I am so sick of sleazy bullshit. I know this has something to do with my numerous stomachs and backfat, I just know it. I know sending an email was childish and got nothing accomplished but at midnight, it made me giggle and I felt empowered for 2 whole minutes.
----------------------------ACTUAL CRAIGSLIST AD -----------------------------------
Wild party girls needed for last minute promo. A promotion company needs beautiful, friendly and outgoing girls to work selling shots, be the life of parties and make big $$.
We work with various popular bars and clubs in NYC. Part-time
positions are available Thursday-Saturday ( others days available for happy hour) However, the schedule is flexible.
The income varies from $150-350 per
night and it depends on the effort of each girl ( Commission plus tips.) The shifts are late in the evening
and about 6 hours long. Email your resume and picture along with your contact
information. We will be calling for Tuesday (6pm-8pm) and Wednesday (2pm-4pm) interviews.
Training will be on Thursday evening from 8-11pm. Shifts are open for this weekend.

ACTUAL RESPONSE --------------------------------------------------------------

To WHom It may Concern,
I am a hot whore. All I want to do is get guys drunks so they can date rape me and drink shots. OH please can I work for you. Then maybe I can graduate to "Master shot whore" How much does that pay? Well, it doesnt even need to pay, is cock a payment? yee haw. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Gulp Gulp. Call me. yours truly,
Whore Mc Whoresnatchhole

mea culpa!!!

2006-04-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

well well well. my incredible friend, megan, has set me straight. jello pudding pops STILL EXIST, yo!!!

if you google jello pudding pops and then click on the "ice cream locator" you can actually type in your zip code and find the closest jello pudding pop to you and then go get it and remember the good old days while you are just dying inside, but in a good way.

THIS IS NOT GOOD.

i was just talking to my mom and grandma about how hard it is to deal with losing weight and how will power is so hard to master and how not feeling inspired is so hard and how not being focused is so hard. and now this. i tell you, i just wanna go to my nearest jello pudding supplier and inhale 10 boxes through a crack pipe.

but i won't. maybe i'll just have a few this summer. everything in moderation. riiiight?

i think i'm gonna sign off today with,

!viva pudding pops!
rach

too upset to eat

2006-04-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

you will NEVER hear me utter those words. ever. i have never, i will never, i just can't imagine it.

i wish i was one of those people who just lose their appetite when down and people have to convince them to just eat a cracker, a saltine, something. if that was the way i dealt with my issues i think i would be sitting here writing a totally different blog and i would not have just finished a rueben. delish by the way. no more ruebens. they are the devil sandwich.

i like to eat my way through sad times and insulate my body. i like to feel like a walking down comforter when i need support.

obviously i am not stupid, just so you know. i know that a lot of the way i/we deal with things is counter intuitive. i would feel more supported and more ready to help myself through hard times if i were stronger, less heavy, less weighted down.

that's all i have to say about it. i'm still thinking of checking out weight watchers. the thought just makes me want to puke-- which some would say is a good way to lose weight. no skank you.

whole grains and chaz,
rach

J-E-L-L-O

2006-04-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

sometimes there's nothing more comforting than an ice cream pop. right? you can't eat one and feel like a full fledged adult.

i remember when i was little and would sleep at my grandma harriet's apartment, we would lie in bed with jello pudding pops and i would borrow her fancy red nighty and we'd watch dallas. i would always beg for a second pop and after fake thinking about it she would go back to the freezer and get a swirly one for me and a chocolate one for herself.

when i was in puerto rico last week pepo went and got judy and me ice cream pops and it was like the best gift we could have gotten. we sat on the park bench and tried not to drip onto our clothes and bit off the chocolate shell before slurping down the vanilla ice cream.

now, by the way, i have to tell you that i don't even really like ice cream that much. my mom on the other hand could eat it breakfast, lunch and dinner. wait. scratch that. she likes low fat frozen yoghurt and the lightest, least creamy ice you can find. what's the point, you ask, of eating ice cream? it's cold. it's sweet. it's familiar. and if you have dental problems it is a good numbing agent.

i've told people that i don't really like ice cream and i don't really like chocolate and they say oh, you're so lucky!

do i look lucky? i ask. sometimes people just say stupid shit. have you noticed that?

now, let me just comment on my boobs in the picture that julie put up in the last post. um... are you KIDDING me? that is some crazy angle action going on. just so you know, i'm not flat but i surely do not sport a mountain range on my chest. just had to mention that as i could not let it go without comment.

back to ice cream.

i'm sad to say that they took jello pudding pops off the market. i cannot imagine why. not only do i feel deprived of the best popsicle ever invented, i feel stripped of one of my favorite childhood memories.

so, mr. cosby, if you're reading this and still affiliated with the jello people, please ask them to bring back the pudding pop. summer 2006! they did it with coca-cola classic. they did it with red m&m's. make history. make us proud.

J-E-L-L-O, folks. okay? write letters to your congress people.

by the way, i have not had a whole grain in a month and i have not heard a peep from chazzy since celebrity fit club ended. but--

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

But I went to the gym.

2006-04-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

I realized while on the Olivia cruise. Which was amazing. Me and Rach had the best time. We had A BLAST if you like. 7 days and night of fun, drinking and FOOD. THe god damned food.!!!!! I cannot go a day without thinking about my personal fat situation, and I am obsessed with my stomachs, chins, and stomachs and boobs on my back. It was fun to go on to the ports and see all the straight people from their cruises looking at us, and trying to figure out what exactly was going on. But when I think about how m uch we have and how appreciative we are of life and this aweosme vacation the other cruises can stick it. I have been on those cruises too. Though in some ways we're all the same. Believe me, The buffets, the formal nights, the drunk and disorderly conduct. ....It's all ALL the same. It's so funny. Now that I'm home, I miss the boat. I miss all the lez running around in all our glory. It's a sleepy rainy day here in NYC, and I am just thinking about all the highlights, and how badly I need to get in shape. This is how this refers to Tankini Dreams. After watching some of the FIT FIT FIT Lezzies on this trip...MAN, I have got some work to do. And I have to rememebr JUST because I go to the gym, does not mean I can eat 15 courses. The tide is turning again. I will take my 7 pound loss and double it. This is my solemn promise. I want to be healthy and fit. OH, and By June 28th. - My birthday, I will eradicate my smoking. YEs., I say that here Tankini Dreams. This Tankini Dremas is my promise. Again.

WOW.! We had the best time on the cruise. TANKINI highlights include.

Pringles and jellybeans at 2am

My personal record of 3 steaks in one day.

Doube Margaritas EVERY night.

24 hour room service. - which turned into a wake up call.

Salsa with Paula.

17 course meals, 4 times a day.

and yet, I just dont understand how I am still hanging on to a good 30 extra pounds... and I WENT to the gym everyday...BUt maybe going to the gym and overeating doesnt equal losing weight. Go figure.

MOre later. goin to take a nap. I should go to the gym. but it's raining. OH and SOapdish is on, Funny. THE movie with Whoopie GOldberg. I swear she's lez. BUt she's totally not. How is this possible? oh well. bed time.

In Tankini Dreams!
GOLD

ahoy mateys

2006-04-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

okay, we're on the cruise. here are some notes so far. service is slow and expensive so i don't really have time for complete sentences...

ollivia cruise:

Just cuz you’re a lesbian doesn’t mean you can’t get a boob job. i saw a few.

A lot of these couples could be twin sisters or very close cousins. They are basically dating themselves in different clothes.

But sometimes, actually, they are wearing the SAME EXACT OUTFIT.

It’s still okay to perm and feather your hair.

It is also seemingly okay to grow your hair really long down the middle and just buzz off the sides.

You do not have to be femme to wear an evening gown or a sarong.

The dress that I wore to my 8th grade graduation is apparently still in style.

Just cuz you’re a woman doesn’t mean you can’t be a macho sleaze bucket with fried leather skin.

Everyone is a comedian. No really, ask them, they’ll tell you.

Lesbians take dressing up in formal attire very seriously. I am talking tuxedo tails. Rented I’m assuming.

lesbians can sing!

On this ship you can wear whatever you want, whatever combination of colors and patterns and styles and call it an outfit. You can read this any way you’d like. It’s got some positive and negative effects.

I would just like to shout to the ladies from the promenade deck on a microphone:

THE FLOOD IS OVER
THE LAND IS DRY
WHY ARE YOUR PANTS
SO FUCKIN’ HIGH??

Butch women are more likely to help you with your luggage than a man.

There are lesbians here who could’ve been my grandma’s school chum growing up. I think my grandma might have missed the boat. Pun intended.

Martina Navratilova on television looks like a horse. On this cruise she looks like a movie star.

lesbians are more supportive than a girdle.

Good new drink:

One shot stoli vanilla
A quarter of one crushed orange
One shot cointreau
Orange juice
Soda

It’s called a sunsicle.

From far away it is hard to tell a lesbian couple in khakis and polo shirts taking a cruise from a straight couple in khakis and polo shirts taking a cruise.

It is also hard to tell a military man in civilian clothing from a lesbian with a buzz cut. Same goes for frat boys and lesbians with loafers and button down shirts and baseball caps..

Make sure to really slather on sunblock evenly, otherwise you get pretty red and white striped patches on your body.

Old navy is the lesbian’s primary outfitter and best friend.

Sunglasses that hang off a rope are very handy while playing water sports by the pool.

Julie keeps thinking she sees her dad walk by.

I wouldn’t be surprised to see my dad’s doppelganger here either.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE - I found the cure

2006-04-12T06:06:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been a while, a long time, time has passed, I have been away. While working on the rosie/logo show I have been unable to blog. Yes that is a cop out, sue me. I am easily distracted, easily bored and quite easily ad.d. anyway... The show was quite an experience and ironically how does this affect Tankini Dreams you ask? Well I lost 7 pounds under duress. Funny eh? So I am trying to keep up the momentum. I figure all of these crazy diets dont know shit. What they should be doing is keeping people under incredible amounts of pressure and stress and the pounds will melt away. This is my new plan, the new diet that really truly works. It's called The Rosie/Logo Pilot if you fail your fucked like a cheap hooker Diet. or you can call it, all your eggs are in this TV basket and if it doesnt go through your back to temping you big fat fucking loser diet....I mean really call it what you will, it is personal for everyone. Don't let me tell you what to call it. As long as you stick with the main tenant of said diet you'll be ok. Now, I have been trying to keep up the Pressure. Yelling at myself every morning, silently pressuirng myself to be the best, and of course, giving myself mixed messages so that I remain ever confused and frustrated cause I don't know exactly what to produce or how to act or what to say on a daily basis. these are all sure fire ways to watch your excess chub drop to the ground. Weight Watchers, no thanks....I'll take The "There's 8 other talented people who want this really badly and their willing to suck it up and do what it takes, and if you're not you can go suck balls" diet....maybe this is harsh, b ut it's the only way you'll do it. Showbiz is an ugly ugly process and though I am grateful and so excited for the future, believe me, the show is a dream come true in manyw ays, but what no one ever teaches you in college or perforing arts programs is that the amount of stress is truly momentus. AND it's a great weight loss program. Awesome. More later., Going home for passover. I'll post pictures this week. 3 days till cruise.
GOLD

i heart monica lewinsky

2006-04-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

it's the truth. and excuse me but how hot does she look in this picture? don't EVEN pretend like you don't see it.

back when monica was in the news every single second of every single day, i found myself routing for her. she was so demonized for what she did. well, excuse me but you would've done it, too. i know for sure i would have. i know for sure if i ran into bill clinton in an elevator tomorrow i'd be monica #2. in a heartbeat. don't even get me started on how criminally i think our nation treated her. i was disgusted. i couldn't comprehend the abuse.

monica is my homie.

when i went to mexico in 2001 my host family papa called me monica because i was gordita and he thought monica and i shared a look. well yeah, i said in english and therefore to myself, we're chubby jews.

i honestly hope to meet monica one day and collaborate on a book or something. i think we could really get along. i want to make sure she's okay after all the abuse she took. i want to tell her, monica, you are a rockstar. you are my hero. you are such a badass for all that you've been through. i'm gonna meet her soon. i can feel it.

i wonder what monica's up to these days. i know she's a real smarty pants so i'm sure she's doing well. last i heard she was living in the west village making bags. i think the west village is good for monica. i hope her gay boyfriends are taking good care of her and buying her lychee martinis bi-weekly.

i've often wondered how the clinton/lewinsky scandal would have been different had monica been thin instead of zaftig. would she have been attacked so ferociously? i seriously doubt it. she was such a great scapegoat. such an easy target. it's so much easier to disrespect women who are overweight-- because i think the general consensus is that women who are overweight don't respect themselves so much to begin with.

not me, yo. i got mad respect. one love, rachy pachy. go girl. it's your birthday. have a party. gonna party like it's your birthday. gonna drink bacardi like it's your birthday.

anyway, love to you monica if you're out there. i'm sure you're reading this blog. you and your fellas and your lychee martinis.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

on the cruise ship lollipop

2006-03-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

okay, so listen to this. julie and i are going on a CRUISE. she's the ship's comedian and she can bring someone and nikola, julie's wife, can't go and so i'm going. sucks for them but it's great for me. and julie will have fun because when julie and i hang out we pretty much laugh until we reach urination.

okay, so we're going on olivia cruise lines. yes, we're going on a big, fat, lesbo cruise filled with women who, from afar, look like andrew dice clay. can't wait. julie does a few shows and then has to yell out "G 24" at bingo and then the rest of the time we can hang out. julie hates to be still so i'll probably be lying out by myself a lot of the time while julie does other things like watch tv in the cabin and surfs the world wide web, i don't know. all i know is that julie doesn't like the sun either. she sounds like a real hoot, huh? no, stop it, she's fine. stop it. i said stop.

so my mom warned me that cruises are infamous for the all day long food shoved down your throat. so, i'm planning on using their gym every single day. that's 7 days. and i'm planning on being smart and eating a lot of fruit and salad and shit like that. after all, it's gonna be hot out there in the caribbean.

i was also thinking of burning a few extra calories monopolizing on my being the only woman on the ship attracted to men by hanging out with the crew members, but my mom also warned me that these guys basically boink women at every port while all the cruise passengers are walking around in their cackies and sensible shoes paying women negative 25 cents to put braids in their hair.

use protection, she said. but i don't think i'll be needing any as i'm pretty turned off by the whole idea.

so there goes that dream i had.

i went to macy's and bought a....TANKINI! whoop whoop. the dressing room situation in the swimwear section is a crime. the lighting is bright and stark and hideous and it really makes it hard to enjoy your reflection in the mirror. but i did my best squint and went with what felt the most comfortable. so i'm all suited up and i'm planning on walking around in my tankini not giving a flying fuck what the lesbians think of me.

it's actually good that it's a lesbo cruise because, let's face it, they are way more forgiving of women's bodies and their many shapes and sizes. shout out to my girls.

by the way-- i'd also like to give a shout out to the pre-republican, all grown up shirley temple. she was always a chubby little kid and grew to be a zaftig teenager. big ups to you and your fat cheeks and your dimples, shirley.

i'm just gonna say it-- i'm seriously thinking about weight watchers. i'd love to hear people's ideas on this subject. i hate the idea of it but it seems to work for people. i'm not doing a bang up job here on my own. i need some help.

do you think chaz has continued to lose weight even after the cameras have turned off? hope so. but, chaz, no presh. you know you're my homie.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

when the moon hits your eye...

2006-03-18T21:37:00.000-08:00

like a big pizza pie? or piece of pie? i'm never sure. either way, i'm sure that my face is the moon being referred to here. everytime i catch a glimpse i am actually surprised by its roundness and its size. and, as a narcissist, i am catching many a glimpse of my face.

at the moment i'm watching shakira shake shake what her mama gave her. holy hips. if you wanna know what belly i want, it's her's. not skinny. curvy. a woman. if MTV actually played videos i'd say go watch and wait for shakira to show up. i'm actually blown away by her belly. google it.

okay, face, stomach. what's next? let's discuss the ass. this is the only part of my body that i would like to make bigger. i'm telling you, folks, if i had a boomin' booty i would be shaking that thing all over town. i'd wear mini skirts and hope for the wind to blow it up. i would stick a hat in the back pocket of my tight jeans to call attention to my perfect apple bottom.

it would be so great to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and instead of my surprise belonging to my moon face, it would belong to my pride. i promise myself right now that that will happen. chubby pinky swear.

i think i'm gonna check out a nutritionist. get on track with knowledge, awareness, schedule. three very important things to have if you wanna lose weight. and feel grrreat.

tonight jen sat in the kitchen to keep me company while i cleaned. we listened to air supply's greatest hits and jen checked out my new book "guide to getting it on" recommended by my gyno. everyone should own one apparently. she's so right. it's teriffic, i tell you. and funny. great illustrations. we laughed, we learned, we laughed, we cried.

it's always so much easier to clean when someone's just there with you. just hanging out. i think it's the same for working out, losing weight, blah blah-ing. having a bud.

julie is out of commish this month and let me tell you, it's a lot harder to motivate by myself. it's just easier when someone's taking turns with you, dragging each other's asses about town. making healthy lunches. walking the mountainous terrain in the park with the dogs.

so basically i realize that this little adventure of tankini dreams has been going on for quite a while with little to no weight loss. this needs to change, if not for me then for the sake of this blog. for the sake of some sort of narrative arch. i mean, c'mon.

next post will be about a cruise and an actual tankini. seriously. just you wait and see.

i miss chaz.

if you're out there, buddygirl, keep on keepin' on.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

oink, oink.

2006-03-03T12:44:00.000-08:00

so, i've noticed a bit of a pattern. or maybe it's a phenomenon. someone, please tell me what it's all about.

sometimes when i eat it makes me hungry. like, before the meal i was like, okay, it's time to eat, rachel. and then i take a bite of my sandwich and take the first spoonful of my soup and it releases some kind of seratonin or something and then i'm done and i want more. more, i tell you, more.

so i'm sitting in this new cafe and basically i've been trying to write but i've spent some of that writing time thinking about dessert and how delish it would be with a nice chai or something.

but listen up. i sat it out. and i'm not hungry. i'm over it. i just had to chill for a sec and not be so i m p u l s i v e. i am historically a very impulsive person. (i'm putting it in the past tense to try and trick my brain into believing it's a silly thing of my youth.) i think if i keep telling myself that i'm impulsive then i give myself permission to BE impulsive. damn. that's rough.

so there it is. a lesson.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

!viva la revolucion!

2006-03-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

okay. i'm for real now. as you can see from CHER guevara right here i am not kidding. this is the woman who birthed my chazzy into the world and so i will use her image to birth my new found energy for the revolucion. today i had:

lunch with my mom.

therapy.

the gynecologist.

so, as you can imagine, i had much discussion about tankini dreams. the real, actual, for serious tankini dreams, the ones in my heart and soul, not the blog. after today i'm gonna try to live in a different head space.

i've been revisiting viva la resistance a lot lately. i have not been trying hard enough. i haven't really been trying at all. in fact, i've pretty much decided to self sabotage all day long. i have been feeling cheated out of eating. i have been feeling angry, to tell you the truth. i feel like stomping my feet into the pavement and crying on the curb. this sucks, to put it simply.

this weekend i went to kate's baby shower. i can't even begin to tell you the beautiful spread that we had. chicken, quiche, nachos, bread, cheese, hummos, salad, flourless chocolate cake, blondies and these gorgeous, designer, vercace-esque looking cupcakes that had full on gardens of butter and sugar icing on them. there's really nothing better than to eat great food with friends. but as good as it is, there are always these moments of torture. like sitting in a chair all the way across the room from the food spread not focusing on the conversation because i just want another bite of that cupcake from hell.

yesterday i was watching my neighbor's baby all day. i took him on a walk to visit julie at a cafe where she was sitting and writing. the only thing i'd eaten all day was handful after handful of dry cereal so i ordered a salad and a diet coke, which, by the way, is apparently horrible for you-- no duh, you're saying to yourself.

we said goodbye to julie after finishing up and walked out into the coldest day we've had in a long time. i was tired and cold, my back hurt from carrying the baby and i just didn't feel satisfied. so, i passed a new cafe on the way home and obvioulsy just had to go in to see what they had in the display case.

so, there it was, happiness and satisfaction in a square of rice crispies and marshmallows. so to keep with the cereal theme of the day i ordered it to-go and went back out into the freezing cold to walk home, with new warmth in my little heart, knowing that i had my rice crispie treat to eat when i got in the door.

well, surprise, surprise. i was satisfied and happy for the 3 minutes it took to eat it. then i just started to hate myself and still, 15 or so hours later, i'm still pretty annoyed with myself. and i'm still upset with myself for getting out of that chair at kate's to get that devil cupcake so i could focus on the conversation. it's the feelings of failure and guilt and self sabotage that stick around longer than the satisfaction of the food.

so in therapy we talked about the bread basket on the table when you go out to eat. those damn rolls. the butter. i mean, would you walk into a restaurant eating a bag of wonder bread? it's ridic. and the tortilla chips when you go out to eat mexican food... it's like eating a large bag of tostitos before the meal. can you imagine sitting down to dinner at someone's house while everybody is just sitting there with their little bag of chips? totally, utterly ridiculous. food that you don't need, just want is now called bread basket food.

if i would have just kept walking home and not stopped into the cafe i would've forgotten about the rice crispie treat a block later. these are such fleeting moments. i just have to take control over them and tell them to chill when i'm trying to reach my goal.

get your head outta the bread. that's the new mantra. no more filler. and if i hafta hafta hafta, well then there are healthy fillers. like berries. right? i just had some tonight and let me tell you-- delish.

ok, that's all i have on this for now. tune in later for talks about the CRUISE julie and i are going on...

whole grains and chazzy, and please get your head outta the bread,
rach

and Introducing my fat cat LEVI.

2006-02-28T16:31:00.000-08:00

So Here he is My other Obese ANimal. Levi. IS this normal? ALl the animals are fat, I'm fat, the only one that is not fat, is my tall thin wife, Nikola. She is thin. Sometimes I wonder, what's a thin girl like her doing with mushy tummies like me? She keeps saying she loves me no matter what and she is even into my body. How is that possible? I pretty much feel like Levi here. Big, Hairy, black, Poisse. And somehow this woman puts her hands on me without laughing and/or recoiling in disgust. Lucky me. Now, back to Levi. Levi is 15 years old. and after the age of 2. FAT. In his old age, levi pretty much lays around, eats, goes to the bathroom, and lays around. He is my mentor. Do you think Levi cares? Do you think Levi wonders "oh no, how do m y stomachs look in this shirt?" "Oh, is my back fat slipping out of my bra"? "Oh god I can't be on top or my stomachs will hit her in the face", "I can't wear this shirt, my boobs are going to blast it open in the middle of dinner:"" why can't I close this blazer, even though it's a men's" --too much info ---- ? NO! He is a big fat black cat who could give a shit, and all he wants out of life, is food, a bathroom and to be rubbed down. THis is not a bad way to look at the world. Maybe I need to be more like Levi? The Zen of levi. Then again Levi hasnt had sex his entire life. I need to rethink everthing, and make some popcorn.

don't hate me because i'm beautiful

2006-02-22T14:39:00.000-08:00

kelly lebrock. we all remember her emerging from the dry ice machine produced smoke cloud in the nerd's bedroom in "weird science". whether we were boys or girls, cats dogs or pet gerbils, we all stared at her image with absolute lust. kelly lebrock was the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet, complete with high self esteem and effortless comedic timing. she was IT.

now, 20 plus years later she is on celebrity fit club because she apparently let herself go. can i just say that i would give one of my opposable thumbs for her BEFORE picture? ms. lebrock's body after letting herself go is my DREAM body, i kid you not.

i think i've mentioned before that i have no interest in being skinny. i like meat on the bones. as they say, bone is for the dog but meat is for the man.

sexist as that may be, it makes me proud to have meat. sometimes sexism can be really great for the self esteem, you know?

so, here's to kelly lebrock's rockin' before-picture bod-- may i achieve something close to it. and here's to a healthy dose of good, old fashioned sexism-- may we feel like hot chicks once in a while because of/in spite of it.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

misty, water-colored memories.

2006-02-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

i had a great weekend with two of my favorite girls, as seen captured in the kool-aid smiles in the picture here. but what is also captured here is my double goddamn chin(s). there have been many great times in my life captured on film and as soon as i see the photos all i can see are my double chins/moon face/preggers belly/love handles/fat arms/etcetera, and so forth, and dot dot dot.

now, i'm sure this is some sort of narcissistic disorder that i should deal with. but in the meantime my memories are being blurred. misty for sure. not so much water-colored.

already i look at pictures from my life and my first instinct is either to squirm with the sight of my size or squirm with how much i've grown in size since the picture was taken.

is this what's going to happen when i break out the photo album to show the kids? oh, jesus, wasn't mommy so fat then, kids? OR mommy, is that when you were pregnant with me? huh, mommy?

go fuck yourselves, kids.

i don't want to look back on my life in pictures and not see my life.

frickin' double chins. i tell you. they just ruin a smile.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

Can thoughts be fat?

2006-02-20T17:44:00.000-08:00

I think my thoughts are fat. I had a dream about cheese and crackers last night. I woke up this morning, and said to Nikola. Babe, I dreamt, you were there with cheese and cracker sand a stage of some kind. WHo dreams about cheese and crackers? WHat is the matter with me? Ok. seriously, I mUST go to the gym tomorrow, to at least feel like I am trying to do something good for my body. Even my sweatpants are sort of tight today. WHOSE sweatpants are tight? Ok, we are supposed to be able to fit inot a tankini by the summer, at this rate, I'll be lucky to fit a tankini around my forehead. uch. I want reeses Pieces.

stretching and decisions

2006-02-16T19:03:00.000-08:00

this is a picture of a few friends and me doing some morning stretching on top of a mountain in guerneville, california. we were there for our friend's weekend wedding. every morning we woke up, ate our granola and yoghurt, drank our hibiscus tea, and went out to stretch in the sun like hippies.

when this picture was taken i was feeling so beautiful. i'll admit it. i felt hot in a yoga way. i felt strong and healthy and happy-- and then, when my friend sent me this picture all i could see was my belly, 4 months pregnant. see, now i'm imagining people reading this and, out of the corner of their mouths, saying "try 5 months."

i'm getting another tattoo in a week. over lunch my mom told me that she'd had a dream about my tattoo and woke up feeling bad about it. don't do it, rach, she said. it just feels like it's about compensation.

so, what is it about for me? i'm not happy with my body. i want to decorate it and make it prettier. i want to feel more proud of it. and putting art on my self makes me feel celebrated.

and i'm a victem of trend.

and i'm impulsive.

and i'm most definitely compensating for something.

i've made the decision, i told my mom. you know, when you make a decision like that it's just made. it's a done deal.

no, it's not, rach. it's not. she said. it hasen't happened. why don't you take this as an opportunity to think about what you're compensating for.

this is not exactly verbatim, as my mother is so much more eloquent than i am and would never end a sentence with a preposition. she said it in one perfect, straight to the heart sentence.

anyway, i'm getting the tattoo. i want to. i'm choosing to. but i hear my mom. i know she's right on.

as i've said before, it's just so easy to not listen to yourself. it's so easy to just ignore yourself. it's all about decisions. when i want another bowl of cereal in the morning, and i know that i've already eaten a portion that the box would consider approxomately 86 times what it should be, there's that 5 seconds where i make the decision to pour the extra bowl. it's a decision.

random as it all is, that's what's on my mind tongiht. also, as you can see, i've figured out how to i t a l i c i z e.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

DICK CHENEY IS A FAT MURDERING SHIT HOLE

2006-02-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

ALl I have to say is KARMA is a bitch. WHat does this have to do with MY being fat? I don't know. I know it has something to do with it., I am running late for my job, but I just quickly wanted to say....Thank you Dick Cheney you fat murdering fuck face. You have been killing us for the past 6 years and finally you did it once out in the open and to your friendno less. YEs I have no sympathy for the old DICK. I am pretty sure he is a cannibal robot who actually died 4 years ago, and his cannibal evil robot is still alive fucking and killing the world. IS this too angry? I'll be back.

xooI knowIamfat

my arch nemmy

2006-02-12T08:03:00.000-08:00

okay, i don't know which hideous one in the picture he is but i'm talking about gunnar nelson, the new guy on celebrity fit club. i can't staaaaaand him. he is absolutely what i hate HATE about the boys in school who i always had beef with. he is a show off, know it all, can't be wrong, snotty, higher than thou, insecure little piece of TURD. celebrity fit club, as you may know by now, is one of my favorite shows, one that makes me tear up. yes, you heard me. i've said it and i'll say it again-- this show MOVES me, people. but this gunnar nelson character-- he is just the pits. he makes me want to spend a whole day with tempestt bledsoe, skipping around like sisters. he is the boy i always felt the need to put in his place. if i met him on the street i would kick his lipo suctioned ass back into the 80's where he belongs. and really, did he even belong there? i think not.

screw you, gunnar nelson. and stop sucking in your stomach. like we don't see that...

thanks, cher, for--

whole grains and CHAZZY,
rach

coca-cola zero, pepsi one

2006-02-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

julie and i went to target the other day and among my purchases was coca-cola zero. basically it's diet coke that tastes kinda like regular coke but doesn't say DIETon it. same as pepsi one. these DIET beverages are marketed towards men. because god forbid a man should immasculate himself and watch his weight. so men are protected from this deep, deep humiliation that women apparently don't feel.

incidentally, coca-cola zero is the shit.

also, i'd like to talk about julie's pets. her cat is obese. like jabba the hut obese. she needs to get that picture up. russell, the dog, could use stand to lose a few but i think he's sorta in the same category as julie and me. he needs some excersize and a little tweak to his diet.

i've been sick for a few days and my appetite hasn't been so great. do not even think for one minute that in the middle of my fever and chills i have not thought i hope at least i lose a few. that's just wrong.

okay, i'm gonna get back to my coca-cola zero and my orange and "never been kissed" starring the thin, but real bodied, drew barrymore. holla drew.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

EVEN MY PET's ARE FAT

2006-02-11T14:30:00.000-08:00

Yes. It's true. This is my pugson Russell. and he is a few pounds overweight. My cat Levi who I'll get a picture of up soon, is also Obese. He is like 22 pounds. I make all my pets fat. I just do. I don't know how I do it but I do. maybe it's the saqme way I keep mysewlf tubby. Snacking, laying around, treats, large portions....No, that can't be it. I have been trying to be better about all of our diets, b ut in the last minute I have a tub of popcorn with melted butter. or I decide NOT to go to the gym. I keep resisting not resisting, and I am even doing it to the pets. All of my friends are losing weight, I have got to get on the ball, My pal MCM is on Weight Watchers with her partner, they;'ve lost 35 pounds between them, My pal Murray lost 27 pounds, I gotta get with the program here. I am so at The gym tomorrow. Now excuse me, My dog wants a treat.

Holla.
GOLD

STOMACHS FOR ALL TO SEE

2006-02-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I am putting this CHUBBY pic for all to see. Rachel, I totally feel your CHUB story, and I am sure you totally had the hottest 6 year old love like ever...Reading your entry tonight, made me think I must share this picture. It disgusts me, it is horryfying. LOOK at my stomachs. This was just Saturday night at one of the biggest shows I have ever done in NYC. Literally people in the front row must be bruised. It is just sad. So, IF anyone out there has ever had their stomachs for 1300 people to look at, and now a few more, then let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya. Not to mention, I look trans. NOugh said. It's late. Is that PC? I don't care, and you know what else. IF you want to draw a picture of CHrist, Allah, Mohammed,Moses, and Buddha and Shiva Nitsu in a fuckfest with eachother's cocks up their asses I could give a shit. GET OVER IT! IF I can put my stomachs up here, you ( the general fundamentalist religious fuckheads) can deal with a cartoon of Mohammed or whatever the fuck god you prey to, and guess what, We're all still ok. I am still fat, you're still whatever religion you are and the ozone layer is still fucked. talk to your god about that one! Ok sorry, I know that I digressed., but Dealing with your stomachs and the fall of the new millenium is too much to bear. I am getting ready for Lipo.

Saalam Shalom
Julie JEW Goldman

chubby

2006-02-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

i thought i was a chubby kid. i was in a way. i wasn't skinny. ever. but i didn't have a weight problem. i can see that now when i look at pictures. why, i wonder, did i feel so big? and why, at age 6, did i even think about it?

when i was little i went to peter pan nursery school and day camp on ocean parkway in brooklyn. i had a boyfriend named jerry and we kissed on the lips during naptime. during sing-a-longs we'd sit together and i would run my hand along the peach fuzz on the back of his neck. hot and heavy, i know. i remember feeling like the luckiest girl at peter pan because i had the cutest boy and i knew then that we had a kind of love that stretched beyond our meer 6 years. i also remember feeling lucky because i just knew i was chubby and he liked me anyway.

after swimming during the summer in the tiny rectangular pools in the backyard of peter pan, we would take off and hang up our bathing suits and then wrap ourselves in the towels our moms sent with us in our back packs. now, my mom has never been a real towel person. i've been to the suburbs where the towels are oversized and fluffy and my mom has just never been into it. she prefers thin, cheap towels that i now prefer as an adult. go figure.

anyway, while all of the other kids wrapped themselves in their parents' towels that dragged on the grass, i was wrapped in what my mom thought of as a kid sized towel-- a bathmat--which covered only the top 1/3 of my 6 year old ass. we had to walk passed the older kids and i just remember feeling mortified and naked and fat and vulnerable. finally one day i begged my mom to give me a suburban towel so i could cover myself up and not show the world how chubby i was.

i remember not wanting to play on the see-saw because i had images of dropping heavily into the ground and catapulting the other child into the sky.

looking at picutres now i cannot CANNOT imagine how i had this complex at such a young age. and for no reason. i will try to get a picture up here so you can see how not chubby i was and so you can see how foxy jerry was. i mean really.

and by the way, my friend laney just came over to watch project runway and brought pound cake and strawberries. what am i to do? (i say with a cheekful of both)

ugh.

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

$$$

2006-02-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

trip to target: $251

vet appointment for otis: $179

getting copies of my manuscript made: $86

ordering out and filling the void in my life with food: priceless

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

DEAR DORITOS

2006-02-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

DeaR DORITOS, Fries, Popcorn, Twizzlers, Butter, Melted Cheese, (in any form) bread, Rice, COus Cous and occasionally cigaretts...Though that's a different blog.... I need to wrote you a letter. Iyanla from "Starting Over" and "Finding your Joy", and "Realzing your potential through self righteous faux African spiritual talk" thinks it's a great idea to take your fears and blockages and write them a letter. Like, if I was abused I should write my abuser a letter or if I was my abuser I would write myself a letter and tell myself to find my joy and love myself and stop abusing myself with the spirutual love that I can only find in taking a journey to alittle place i like to call ....me.. See How it works? So, I am taking her advice and writing the foods that are keeping my stomachs groing and growing even though I am going to the gym on a pretty regular basis and eating pretty well. except for the top line. I need to tell these foods, to STAY AWAY. Stop calling me! Stop trying to get all up in me. I mean, Ok...The truth is I do lead them on. Becasue frankly, I love them, I love them more and more each day and I dont know how to quit them. Oh Doritos, you evil Bitch. WHy must you taunt me so with yuor nacho cheese and your cool and cooler ranch. ? WHY I SAY? I love opening the bag, I love looking at the bag, I love everything about you. I love to touch your bag, and slowly rip open your top, taking in the sweet and salty aroma of what lays inside for me to put my hands all over and devour feverishly as if I have never touched a dorito before. But the truth is Doritos, I can't even remain faithful to you for I love others, in the baove line. ANd n o matter what I do -- workout, portion control, I seem to retain 3 seperate stomachs all competing with my large boobs. Currently when I sit down theres not much difference ebetween the boobs and the stomachs and frankly I am tired of it. It needs to stop. YES. SO as of today -- The above line all of you know who you are, even the ones not mentioned today, I will control you. I will on occasion shove you in my face and eat the shit out of you loike you have never been eaten, BUT in moderation of course. I am merely stating that I will control you. I am the master of these stomachs, and as of today theres only room for one stomach and 2 boobies. YES. VIVA LA CONTROL. VIVA La WORKING OUT. VIVA la on occasion Eating that little bitch bag of doritos. We shall overcome. ANd When I say We I mean the sotmachs.

Rock out all out
I love you Doritos. I love you.

oops

2006-02-03T15:53:00.000-08:00

okay, okay, do over. NOW la resistance is over. maybe even tomorrow actually. went out to lunch with my dad, who is a big guy for sure, and we had burgers. i got a salad instead of fries, thank you very much, and proceeded to just share his.

i'm just being honest, people. la resistance is hard to resist, n'est pas?

but ne viva pas!!

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

viva la resistance!

2006-02-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

no. no! it's over. the resistance phase is over. julie and i went on our walk yesterday with the dogs and discussed the fact that it's time to seriously get down to business. we have spent a week or two attempting this in our half assed way. but our stomachs are still very much livin' large and we still have to decide how to hide our rolls when we sit down. enough. that is not a way to live. however bad it feels now to do the work to lose the weight, it will feel exponentially better when we have energy and visable ribs.

is that the right use of the word "exponenitally"? you let me know.

everybody has their own idea about why people "stay overweight." like we're hiding our bodies because of some past trauma or we are control freaks out of control and this is the only thing we have left to take charge of. or, my favorite-- we don't want to be attractive for whatever reason. now, although i'm sure there are spots of truth in these hypothesisisisisisisises, i feel the need to say this loud and say this proud: um, YES, thank you very much, i would definitely LIKE to be attractive. hellooooo??

whatever our reasons are, the ones in our blood streams, the ones that are environmental, it almost doesn't matter, does it? what's the point in spending energy thinking about how we are scared of rejection so we eat our way to a place where at least we had control over why we were turned down by the WORLD blah blah mother frickin' blah. whatevs. gotta eat better. gotta excersize. neeexxt.

okay, hafta eat breakfast. hafta move. hafta get some buddha in my brain.

(i'm kind of mad at oprah right now so i'm switching to....)

whole grains and chazzy,
rach

DoRITOS meet IYANLA

2006-02-01T05:24:00.000-08:00

I love DORITOS. NACHO CHEESE and COOl Ranch DORITOS. I believe and have surmised they are the root of my troubles. I realized -- just the other night, as we had, had a lovely workout at the gym, the minute I exited the building, I wanted DORITOS. IS this normal? NO! I just worked out. I had to Fight literally till I went to sleep not to buy a bag of beautiful Doritos. So, I made a pretty healthy dinner, which I had seconds of, BTW - and then I made popcorn. SO I basically just slapped the gym in it's Face. Yes, I did. I am recognizing this, and yet, still ate the seconds and the popcorn. Even after watching STARTING OVER with the Nubian Queen Ivaynla who would tell me, to find my joy, to see myself in the most glorious way I can, to visualize the body that I want, that I can change, that I am the one in the power seat, and yet I have succumbed, I have submitted, I have given up to the all powerful DORITOS. Maybe I need Starting OVer. Or Is Ivyala (How the hell does she spell her name?) Maybe she's right, maybe all her arrogant tough love, all her grand standing balck power, all her Faux African self righteousness, is actually right. DO I need to meet myself again? Do I need to sit in a room with Doritos and write the Doritos a letter? Do I need to hold a Mock Trial with Doritos? Do I need to live in a house with a handfull of women and allow them to help me, to see me, struggle with the DOritos? DO I need Ivanyala to give it to me staright and narrow, and all knowing? Or maybe I need to to just snap on the will power, recognize that I am worth a hard hot body, and even though there's a man named Frank living inside me, and the woman in me is a full figured, lovely lady, that's OK. and ON occasion so are Doritos.

Ohhhh Chembaba
Thank you Ivanyala.

GOLDMAN

vanessa huxtable

2006-01-29T21:35:00.000-08:00

also known as tempestt bledsoe. also known as the sour puss of my favorite show, celebrity fit club. this saddens me. now, vanessa was never my favorite cosby kid. denise was. but isn't that obvi? my mom always said "it's so clear that the actress who plays vanessa wasn't rasied in new york. she has a distinct midwestern accent. bad casting. not believable." vanessa just didn't fit in. although the oldest cosby kid, sondra, made vanessa look like the actual fruit of cliff-n-claire's loins.

ANYway, even though vanessa wasn't my fave, she was part of the family, part of my thursday night line-up. so, as we practically grew up together, i have an undeniable spot for her in my heart. i'm rooting for tempestt bledsoe.

or am i? am i rooting only for vanessa-- the underdog, the kinda chubby middle child, the made up character who no longer exists except for on re-runs? that must be it. because tempestt is one snotty, attitudinal grown woman. it makes me wonder what vanessa would be like now? and do i want a reunion special or should we all just leave the huxtables where we left them?

maybe i'm too invested in the celebrities on celeb fit club. maybe i wanna feel like they are my brothers and sisters and that we are all in the same chubby sinking boat. i cry when i watch the show. I CRY, people. it just tugs on my overweight heart strings. and so watching tempestt acting so annoyed with the process makes me feel let down. it also makes me feel like, um, tempestt, do you even KNOW how good you have it? i'll take your place in a NEW YORK minute.

chaz, stay positive for me, girl.

whole grains and oprah,
rach, obese as ever by the way.

I think I'm getting Fatter

2006-01-29T07:05:00.000-08:00

I am trying so hard. I am goin to the gym, I am not snacking., too much. But I feel like my stomachs are getting bigger. Is this possible? I was watching a show on TV yesterday and there was a whole segment on bad diets and good diets. Some Skinny Stick lady was describing each diet and why it worked. She said the best one was some sort of portion control diet. She said our portions shouldnt exceed a FIST. A FIST. I tried, and I have to admit, A fist, to me is like a snack. MY appetite requires a An arm and possibly a foot. Very depressing. I am going to try very hard to make myself go to the gym today, but it's Sunday and I would really rather lay around in my boxer shorts. But we gotta keep movin, Keep movin! I am looking into my closet, to see wat I'll wear today But the sad state of affairs dictates that I can only fit inot to 2 pairs of pants and a few fat shirts. I think it's time ot take out the tankini for inspiration. Maybe I need to see it.
Tankini Dreams!
GOLDMAN

celebrity fit club

2006-01-25T20:07:00.000-08:00

more on this later-- but i just have to mention the absolute adoration i have for chastity bono. she is inching her way toward becoming my new oprah winfrey-esque inspiration. if chaz lived in the neighborhood with julie and me we would hike up the hilly terrain of prospect park, just us three and our dogs-- she hasta have a dog, right?-- and we'd cheer each other on while throwing frisbees to the dogs and running around with our bouncy, new, sensible sneakers. then we'd call cher on chaz's celly and she'd invite us over for green salads with frisee and chicken and fennel. then we'd have a dance party on the patio and cher would tell us all the hot goss and give us fancy illegal vitamins that help our metabolisms speed right up.

i'm just saying. it's not completely out of reach.

chazzy can ya hear me?

whole grains and oprah,
rach

breakfast part 2

2006-01-24T09:19:00.000-08:00

whole grains. that's another key. yes, it is. just took otis (dog) for a walk and stopped at the bagel place as i sometimes/most times do to get some coffee and a bagel. but wait, i said to myself, you can't keep up this little walkin' otis-87 million caloried bagel coffee routine. but i walked in anyway because it's JUST THAT EASY to not listen to yourself.

usually the bagel place is swarming with customers and it's every man for himself, fighting tooth and nail to be next. rush rush rush. but today i walked in and it was just me and a couple of guys AY-YO, O-AYing with the counter guys.

"okay", i said, just marching up to the counter. " i'm fat, you guys. why am i here?" now, this is what i love about brooklyn folks. this is why i love new york and can't live anywhere else. "scooped out pumernickel, egg whites and a little turkey", one said. "yeah, but use the honey turkey, she'll love it," another one said. "yeah, and put lotsa pepper on it so it has some kick," said yet another one.

they all just hopped right on board helping me. people say new yorkers aren't nice. don't GET me started on that topic. new yorkers don't bullshit, that's all.

pumpernickel is a whole grain. just letting you know. this is, afterall, an educational blog of sorts. if you're gonna have bread, make it whole grain. pumpernickel, rye. might as well. lucky for me pumpernickel is my favorite. i used to not like it because that's what my grandma ate so i thought it was the old lady variety. but gram was right on. challah!

mantras are good. my mantra of the moment is "whole grains and oprah."

julie and i are gonna go on a 50 million mile walk with the dogs in prospect park. not to be a hippie, but the park is the best gym. it's just true.

whole grains and oprah,
rachel

THINGS REALLY ARE FUN AT THE Y

2006-01-23T16:04:00.000-08:00

So we went to the Y today to work out our stomachs. Now, Normally, I like the gym. I like working out. BUt recently I really much prefer sitting, laying down and smoking. My other vice. Smoking. I am really working hard at quitting that too. Damn. I went to the Y mca today looking for a hard ass work out and I could walk for more than 20 minutes on the treadmill. Maybe it's a start? For some reason, my brain can't accept this losing weight thing. I think about it every second, and yet for the life of me and for my entire life I havent been able to ecer truly finish the "new start" I begin. So, witht he help of this reality blog, I am hoping to be my own taslk show guest as Rachel stated and Oprah - ize my life. I am currently thinking about Doritos, and Steak as I prepare to go out for dinner with my wife and friends. I just have to remind myself of the Y today, of starting new, of the 20 minutes I was on that treadmill, the feeling of the body that is underneath this fat body that was running to break free through the blub. Maybe i'll have a smoke.
BLAST OUT.

PS. MY chins are out of control. I am going to do this. I even feel like my hair is fat. Is that possible?

the GYM

2006-01-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

okay folks. it's time. the gym calls. time to stop thinking of it as a box of stagnent, sweaty air. time to start thinking of it as the key, ya'll. the key. that, and grapefruit. kate says that a grapefruit a day will help. she's a nurse, so okay.

and by the WAY do not think for ONE MINUTE that i feel cool writing in this blog. i feel like a talk show guest. i feel like a daytime women's reality half hour. i feel fatter than i am while i'm writing this, on the couch, in my sweats, with my dog snoring beside me.

the thing that helps, possibly, is knowing that EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY. depending on when you're realizing this, it can be very comforting.

okay, time to put on cuter sweatpants and earrings. you never know who you're gonna meet at the gym.

rach

ravenous

2006-01-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

i am a psycho. seriously. just knowing that i have to chill out with portions and fat content and calories makes me want to rebel and eat my couch. i hate this shit. makes me really mad actually. even the slightest feeling of needing to be in control feels like obsession to me and i'm so not into being obsessed about food/my weight. i HATE THAT SHIT. i'm not even a terrible over eater. but this whole regime or regimeeeeeen, as julie says, is making me feel like a lunatic.

yesterday i worked at the bookstore and we were preparing for a party for the people who did the AIDS walk in DC. it was a huge spread-- falafel, salad, tabouleh, hummos, babaganough, beet salad, spanikopita, cookies, nuts-- and you KNOW i had to just sample everything.

i wish i was oprah. it would be so much easier if i was oprah. you know it's true.

rach

breakfast

2006-01-19T08:01:00.000-08:00

um, i just ate two "organic date coookies" for breakfast and i swallowed my pills with diet dr. pepper.

gotta go work my shifts at the food coop so i can actually go shopping and have good choices in the house. ya think?

love and knishes,
rachel

blub blub blub

2006-01-18T20:36:00.000-08:00

do you remember those ellios pizza commercials where the kid is sitting watching the frozen pizza cook in the toaster oven? he says he likes it because the cheese goes "blub blub blub" which i always found really kind of disgusting. i remember it, i think, because blub blub blub really decribes how i feel in this killer bod.

everyone in my family has had a weight problem at one time or another. i've truly convinced myself that there is some sort of cosmic anti-semitism going on because i've hardly met a jew without some sort of weight ish or guilt. i hate the WASPS, or at least the idea of them, with their cream colored sweaters and never the urge for seconds.

when i was in jamaica walking around with my thin friend who was always the most beautiful girl in the world growing up, the men, while overtly nasty and disrespectful, were cat calling at me, not her. i was the meal while she was simply the toothpick. i let all my stuff just hang out that week. i felt like a show off. felt great. when i got back to new york, the high lasted for a day or two until some woman offered me her seat in the subway because i was aparently pregnant.

in my last year of college i was tripping my balls off at the jersey shore with friends. we were all piled into the hot tub and i looked down at my white tanktop and black bra, at my boxer shorts and newly shaved legs and i said, holy fuckin shit, i am MADONNA. and i was. i went to the mirror and made some muscles and sure enough i was madge circa 1986, her desperately seeking susan years. hot. "hey, you guys," i said, "i'm madonna." and wouldn't ya know they all saw it too. and for the rest of the night i was signing autographs and dodging frenches. then i came down and slept the next day watching teen wolf, chain smoking and feeling sorry for myself. i tried so hard to see it again, like how people relive their bad trips over and over again. no such luck. doesn't work that way.

basically, i knew i had a real problem here when my friend, 7 months pregnant, asked if she could borrow my winter coat for her last trimester. it's not cool anymore. i'm sick of this shit. time to "get my svelt on", folks.

as mom's friend says,

love and knishes,
rachel

DREAM or REALITY?

2006-01-18T17:16:00.000-08:00

THE DREAM, nay THE GOAL

2006-01-18T16:42:00.000-08:00

BEFORE

2006-01-18T15:45:00.000-08:00

This is me. I admit it. I am not yet couragious enough to show my actual skin, I just cannot. But this is it, this is what needs to be changed. And I think I might even be heavier since this picture. Oh well. -- uhm, I am traveling currently. I am in Aspen Colorodo. First of all, Waking up at 5am is terrible for my regimine. Traveling food is so hard. I am also stuck in this hotel room blahblahexcuseexcuse. Needless to say I had Potato Chips, Goldfish, and A tuna fish salad sandwich. I am just sayin. Holla. Instead of just doin some sit ups in the hotel room I have been laying in the bed like a load. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. Also, i want to admit, I am hungry all the time. I think part of my thing is going ot be controling the hunger. Accepting that I am going to feel hungry sometimes or at least the though of hunger and it needs to be controlled. So, I hope to eat a good dinner of California Rolls. even though thats fatty and WHite rice, but thats what I can afford tonight, and I am staying in....IS that lame by the way? I am in Aspen Colorodo, and I just want to lay in the bed. Go figure.
Holla.

DAY 1 - THE OATH

2006-01-17T09:40:00.000-08:00

Julie Goldman and Rachel Friedman do solemnly swear to begin their quest for Tankini Dreams.
We will work out 3-4 times a week.
We will eat low carb, low fat foods, fruits and vegetables everyday.
We will check in daily with our progress and be honest about the progress or lack there of thru this journey.

To the bedt of our abilities we will achieve our dream, ney, our goal, of attaining weight loss, a firmer slimmer body and most importantly to be healthy and happy in our respective skins.

On this very important milestone, the first goal will be to turn several stomachs into one.

On this day January 17, 2006. 12:42pm.

Signed

Julie Goldman and Rachel Friedman, from hereout known as

Tankini Dreamers.